Monday, May 16, 2005

The Love in My Life...

It is always comforting to know that my boyfriend is just a phone call away. The past month has been hellish for me. I've been struggling to fit every single case I need to know into the tiny brain of mine. I get cranky. I cry for no reason. I am moody and I blame him for practically almost anything and everything. Yet, he is still by my side no matter how crazy I get. He's been staying over every night for the past few weeks (except on Mondays, for some strange reason both of us can never fathom). It is always comforting to have his warm arms around my when I'm asleep. Sometimes, when I get awaken by a bad dream in the middle of the night, I can hear him saying...

"Baby...don't be scared. I'm here. I love you...."

Tomorrow is the day of my first paper. I'm glad that the day is finally approaching so that I can release a whole load of cases and theories from my head after 3.30pm tomorrow. But then again...I'm afraid that I am not prepared enough. Ok...I know my cases at the tip of my fingers. I know how to apply them. I tried all the past year questions I can find on the intranet and I have answered them in full lengths. Yet, I am still not confident enough to handle the real thing. Is there something wrong with me?

Tears flowed down my cheeks yesterday evening when he said that he won't be coming over. I wasn't upset that I won't be sharing a bed with him but I just felt so overwhelmed by my work that I needed another human being to share that burden with me. The moment he heard me sobbing on the phone, he said he'll come over to "sayang" me after his dinner and after he finishes all the things he needed to do at home. He was true to his word. He came over and he gave me big encouragement hugs and it really did take my load away for the whole night.

He won't be coming over tonight. I specifically told him so. I can't bear the thought of seeing him leave my room at 7.45 am tomorrow morning and having to handle the stress of my exams at 1.30pm the same day. I can only handle on thing at a time.

Sometimes I compare when I shouldn't. But I'm really glad that I do compare because comparing makes me feel so fortunate that I found him and left the old flame behind. I know that each individual and each relationship has its good and bad but when I sit and stare into the void, I can only see dark sides and bleak moments in the old one and only bright lights and happy fireworks in this one. There is not a day which I don't thank God for bringing me such a wonderful and loving man Vincent is. He has made my tentative final year in Nottingham so much more bearable.

This morning before he left for work and as he hugged me tightly, he whispered into my ear...

"Baby...I love you so much. I will never leave you..."

It may sound a little bit overwhelming to some but to is what I want to hear because I feel exactly the same way as he does.

It may not be the right time to talk about "forever" but how can a girl not fly straight up into the clouds when she hears that word coming out from her beloved's lips...?

On the bus the other day, we saw a very old man sitting near us. I told Vinz...

"Eh..tengok itu lao lang. Next time when you're old, you'll be exactly like him lah.."

"No lah. When I'm that old, I won't be sitting on the bus anymore. I will be chauffered driven in a luxury car with you in the back seat with me..."

We held hands. It was so tight; almost like a reassurance that we will work towards making that dream come true...