Sunday, January 08, 2006

Losing It Again...

It was late Friday night here in UK and it was early Saturday morning in Malaysia. I called home to wish my parents a safe journey to KL. However, they were still in bed at 7.30am! My dad picked up his handphone and said a cracky hello. The moment I heard his voice, I lost it all. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I tried hard to stiffle my sobs. I missed home so much when I heard my dad speaking to me. We hardly ever speak over the phone mainly because I have nothing much to say to him but whenever we do, I am always choked with emotion.

I can't really remember the last time I missed home. It probably was the time I came back from my Christmas holiday in Malaysia and Singapore 2 years ago. I missed home terribly that I kept telling my mother that I wanted to go home in Easter and not finish my 3rd year here in Nottingham. I even researched online the numerous private colleges in KL which will accept 3rd year law students to continue their degree there. I found a few. I told all these to my mother and she said what you want to do. But I knew that she didn't mean it. Of course she wanted to continue with my education. Of course she wanted me to do well and excel. She only said that to comfort me and it worked. She encouraged me to go on a holiday to Europe with my friends. She assured that me I could call her anytime of the day, regardless whether it was morning, noon or night in Malaysia.

And all I could do was blame her. I blamed her for sending me away to boarding school at 17. I blamed her for allowing me to further my studies in the UK. I blamed her for encouraging me to choose to read law. I blamed her for everything in my life that did not go well.

But she did not reprimand me for all the blame. She took it all with stride and said all she wanted was the best for me and she misses me too.

I miss my parents. I miss home. I miss my sister and my nephew. I miss everything at home from my bed to the garden to the piano and every other little thing in the house.