The Angelic Grace

A walk down memory lane again...

2006-05-03T12:55:00.000Z

It was a lonely night wtihout Vinz around. The house was so quiet I could hear a pin drop on the carpet. I buried my head into my books and journals till wee hours of the morning. Then I decided to give my old friend from college, Ying, a call. We had a good time chatting for nearly 30 minutes when she had to hang up and get ready for work. I really miss Ying. It was always the 3 of us, Ying, Hilda and I. The trio whom KTJ students especially the boys named ''The 3 bitches''. Not proud to be named as one but that was how close we were. We ate, we studied, we went for classes, heck...sometimes we even camped in each other's bed together. Ohhh how I miss those days!!

It has been 4 years since we left college but we still keep in touch via phone and MSN and it is so good to know that our friendship has stood the test of time. We talked about how we hated each others' guts when we first stepped into Jawahir House. Thanks to our housemistress who realised how much we hated each other, we became close friends...the inseperable trio. She made the three of us work together on the college's Open Day project. We were to be in charge of the decorations of house's booth, the face painting activities and the balloon blowing. Heh...I remembered that we put two big balloons over our purple house t-shirt and we kept laughing and laughing as it looked so much like one of our Mat Salleh teacher in school :P

We talked about how our lives have changed since we left college. We talked about the string of boyfriends we had since then. We talked about our future. We talked about how different our thinking has become now when compared to our college days.

We still had the girly laughters. We still teased each others' funny moments in college like how Ying sat on a bowl of duck flavoured instant noodles and we had to eat it even though we just ate one 5 minutes ago. We laughed at Brian McKnight's ''Back at One'', the hockey stick, umbrella and the sound of crashing plates.

I miss Ying and Hilda. I miss our carefree life in college. We were three of a kind...the nerd, the street wise and the emotional.

We ended our conversation with....see you's and take care's, wondering when will the 'see you' bit materialise...

An Open Letter

2006-05-02T21:25:00.000Z

An open letter to my dear friend...

Dear friend,
I know that sometimes you do come visit my blog and leave an occasional comment or two; that is the reason why I'm writing you this open letter. I know from your blog that you have decided to let go of a two year long distance relationship. You are so brave to let it go and maintain an open mind. I am sure that it must have hurt you so much to come to this conclusion but you were brave enough to make this step. There are many things in life that we cannot predict. There are many things in life that we want so much to happen but by twists of fates, it never happends.

When I look back at my own LDR nearly two years ago, I realise now how cowardly I was. There were no more sparks; no more chemistry; just cold calls and forced dedications of love. I was trying to window dress a relationship that was beyond any dressing up. No matter how much powder I tried to cover the bumps and bruises, the internal injury never healed. I thought I could be brave when the plug was pulled but again I was cowardly. I chose to hide behind the fact that the life of the relationship could be saved and revived again. I chose to open the doors to opportunities that never existed. It was a dark and lonely road for me. No one held my hand and showed me the way. No one said that everything would be ok. No one offered their shoulder for me to cry on because I kept on putting a facade; a facade that I have been putting on my entire life. I carried a face of strength, confidence and optimism. I never wanted to lose. I always wanted to win. The thought of losing irks me. The thought of winning spurred more facades.

I am proud of you my friend. You have chosen to end something which has stopped growing. Maybe this is the winter of your relationship. Maybe spring will come again for you. Or maybe this winter will last forever and ever. Like you said, maybe one day your paths may cross again. One can never know...only time will tell. But for now my friend...grieve if you want to. Don't bury your hurt under a million blankets. Don't be like me. Don't put on facades. I am always here to be your listening ear and your shoulder to cry on if you need any...

Time for little update...

2006-04-20T14:16:00.000Z

My poor blog has been left neglected for more than a month. So many things happend and so many things to tell. The holidays came and are nearly ending. The assignments piled up but were knocked down one by one diligently by me. The studying and revising are slowly building up but with faith I shall overcome it too. The assessment centre brought insights to myself that I never knew I had but at the end dampend my spirits and made me doubt my own abilities for a while. Nevertheless...I trudge on. I keep trudging. I complain. I do. I complain and I did. That's how my life has been in a nutshell for the past month.

Every night the thought of leaving this country and not being able to see the tulips grow again next spring worries and scares me. I was once so ready to be a patriotic Malaysian; to return to my homeland and contribute to our budding economy. But now...I long for the days to be longer. I long winter again. I lament at the ending of spring and the coming of summer for I know that my time here, in this country, in this country which I curse everyday is to be up soon. My job hunting here has not bore any fruit. But like a farmer harvesting nothing, I keep hoping and keep trying. Maybe one day I will harvest not nothing but something.....

We Have Come a Long Long Way...

2006-03-01T08:51:00.000Z

5 years ago, I left my comfort zone. I left the only school that I have ever known. The primary and secondary section of the school are just across the road from each other. I made lots of friends, friendships that I thought will last a lifetime; friendships I thought will remain even after I left my sanctuary. Alas...it never happend. We still do keep in touch every now and then but the feeling is not the same anymore. Oh well..I guess people just move on...

5 years ago, I entered another comfort zone. It was only a short lived moment but it was a great experience and I made lots of good friends. Again, we promised each other that we will be friends for life; we will send each other pink "summons" when the time comes and will be godma's for the offspring that we bear; we will share every secret, every gossip, every mundane detail in our lives even though we are seperated by the sea and land. Yet, we failed. Or maybe I failed in fulfilling our promises. I don't know.

But thanks to the advancement of technology like MSN, Blogs, Friendster and Yahoo Groups, we need not speak to each other or meet face to face to know that the people who once shared our lives are doing well.

We have come a long way. Now, most of us are 23 this year and 23 is the age where school is out for most. Some have gone on to pursue their dream jobs, some have remained in University (like yours truly), some have returned home and started jobs which they hardly enjoy and some have tied the knot and have babies to care for.

A friend whom I know would never give up anything for anything related to technology wrote this on his blog...

"With cash coming in every month, I’m saving up for more important things now."

The second part of his sentence, "I'm saving up for more important things now" made me realise that yes, we have come a long long way. Our priorities have changed. It is time for us to really act and behave like mature young adults. It is time for us to set aside our selfish desires to build a bright future, not just for ourselves but for our life partner and our offspring.

''OUT OF ORDER''

2006-02-28T08:53:00.000Z

The lift in the library is out of order today. Not that it was a nasty climb up to the top floor where my favourite seat is, but the ''OUT OF ORDER'' sign just didn't look like a good start to a sunny (but freezing) Tuesday morning.

''OUT OF ORDER'' - the sign that irks almost all of us. The faithful lift is out of order, the only clean toilet available in the building is out of order, the escalator which takes us from one floor to another without being confined in a small box is out of order and the much needed public telephone on the side of the road is out of order just when our trusty mobile phone runs out of battery and we have an emergency call to make.

Why can't the University or School or Office be ''OUT OF ORDER'' for one day?

Morbid Monday - Are you afraid of death?

2006-02-27T09:04:00.000Z

I was talking over the phone with a friend yesterday afternoon and the morbid topic of death came up. She asked me whether I'm afraid of death. Am I?

I'm not. I'm not afraid of death befalling me because my faith tells me that when I leave this world, I will be in Heaven with my Father forever and ever. There will be endless hapiness and endless peace in Heaven. No more troubles, no more wars and no more fighting.

But my friend said that she is afraid of death because she has so many things she has not done in this world yet; so many unfulfilled dreams, so many unseen places and untouched faces.

Tbere may be a million and one things left to do but after that million and one things are done, won't there be a million and one more to do? It will be a never ending cycle!

Last week I suggested to Vinz that we should look for an elixir of life, a pill that once taken will ensure that we live forever and ever. And he answered...

''Crazy ahh...live so long for what? Live long means must work and work and work non-stop you know. Don't you want a break?''

Then he added...

''Die already can be with God in Heaven mahh...''

And that was so comforting to hear. God is waiting for us in Heaven. He will welcome us with warm and loving arms. We will be reunited again with our Maker and it is so comforting to know that whatever happens, our Father will always be there for us.

So...I'm not afraid of death. Are you?

P.S. I'm very blessed to have a boyfriend who shares the same faith as me. At least I know we won't argue because of the difference in our faiths :)

I take 30, he takes 5. What about you?

2006-02-23T09:32:00.000Z

Its Thursday today. Another day before the weekend officially begins. Weekends are spent usually in the company of friends for me and Vinz. Company of friends meaning company of his friends. Since I have moved on to another level of education and to another campus, I have lost a big bulk of my undergraduate friends. Almost everyone I know in my class has either gone home or moved on to another university, another town, another country. I do have some friends from my current class but we are not so close. Its funny that the older I get, the harder it is to make close friends.

Anyway...back to the topic of weekends. Our weekend starts on Friday night. We usually go out for a meal with some friends in the city. We like to try different foods. The last time we had Turkish. But most of the time, we are conventional. Its either Thai or Chinese. After dinner, depending on the crowd that we go out with, we will either go to the bar to have some drinks or adjourn back to a friend's house for a few rounds of blackjack and poker. Friday night will end with me and Vinz relaxing on our bed watching a movie till I fall asleep on his shoulder.

Saturdays are spent walking around the city, doing a bit of shopping and eating our weekend food - McD! I don't know why we keep going for McD on Saturdays but we really look forward to it. Dinner is usually at home with a bottle of wine and freshly cooked steak. We then watch a movie or two before adjourning to the bed..hehehe... :P

You see...I have written about how we spend our weekends. What we do outside and inside our home. But I have not written about how long we spend in getting ready to go out.

I need at least 30 minutes to get myself looking presentable. Vinz will usually be sitting in front of his computer while I moisturise, apply powder, put on some eye shadow, mascara, blusher and lipstick. Before that I will rummage through my cupboard to choose what to wear for that day. I usually take out a few pieces before finally choosing one. Actually, its before Vinz chooses one for me. Then I will need to decide what shoes to wear and which handbag to carry. After I am done, only then can we go out.

How long does it take you to get ready? What do you do during the weekends?

Valentine's Day and Food Poisoning

2006-02-21T08:59:00.000Z

Valentine's Day was spent romantically at home with the one I love. I bought some rose petal shaped confetti from London and a packet of heart shaped chocolates from Marks & Spencer. I laid the chocolates one by one from our front door leading to our bedroom and threw some confetti over our heart shaped duvet cover. When Vinz came home from work and saw the trail of hearts, he was so so surprised! He texted me and told me that it was such a pleasant and romantic surprise as I was still in class.

I came home at 6pm and he told me to follow the trail of hearts too. There sitting on our bed was a beautiful vase of pink roses and a Valentine's Day card..... :)

We had steak for dinner. We usually cook our own, with our special recipe for the sauce. It always turns out just nice, not too bloody but not too cooked either. We had some red wine which was rather pricey but well worth our money because it was really good. After that we retired for the night in our cosy bed...holding hands to sleep and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear.....

The weekend following V day, Vinz was attacked with a bout of food poisoning. Poor him. The first night was hellish. He kept tossing and turning and kept saying that he is feeling very uncomfortable. I couldn't do anything to help ease his suffering. All I could say was go shit and puke it all out and you will feel better. But he didn't want to throw up although he felt like it the whole night. The next morning, he could control it no longer and threw up. He had dots of cold sweat on his forehead and collapsed on the bed right after that. I told him not to go to work but he insisted. He came home during lunch feeling worse as ever. I quickly ran to Boots to get some medication for him and went to the convenience store nearby to get some cream crackers and some tea. He felt better the next day but was still very weak and manja. So I obliged in manja'ing him, afterall he manja'ed me when I was sick the week before. He is much better now but still does the occasional...

''Babyyy...come here...sayang me...''

It is not easy looking after a sick man. Sick men are harder to care for than sick women. They crave attention, they blow up every little pain they feel and just want us women to stroke their forehead and tell them that everything is ok...

But...when Vinz was really feeling terrible and I couldn't do anything to ease his pain, I prayed to God. I prayed that Vinz's pain is transferred to me. I rather feel the pain and the suffering than see him suffer like that. It really hurt me so much to see him tossing and turning, throwing up and telling me that his tummy hurts. All I wanted to do was to take that pain from him and take it all for myself.

Thank God he is much better now. After a few days of porridge eating and tea drinking, he has got back some of his strength and appetite.

Yesterday was our one year anniversary but we couldn't celebrate much as he was still not in tip top condition. But we cooked the same food we had one year ago--Chicken rice. Heheh...It brought back so many fond memories. We exchanged promises before we went to bed and his was...

''I promise I will love you forever...and I promise there will be many many anniversaries to come..''

My First Job Interview

2006-02-17T17:28:00.000Z

So many things happend between Chinese New Year and now. There was the begining of the second semester, my one week absence from school due a bout of high fever, 2 job interviews in London, there was of course Valentine's day and now, poor Vinz is suffering from a bout of food poisoning.

CNY came as quickly as it went. I probably tired myself out making endless batches of pineapple tarts and peanut cookies for Vinz to savour and for the small CNY party we had at a friend's place. The day school began after a one and half month closure due to the Xmas break and the exams, I fell ill. I fell really ill. I never felt so sick in my entire life before. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't sit up to eat my Paracetamols and cough mixtures. I couldn't speak. I was irritable. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stand, what more stand under the shower for 20 minutes cleaning myself inside out. There were many times when I tried to do so but collapsed in the bathtub fully naked with hot water running down my body. Thankfully I had the door unlocked and Vinz came to my rescue. I had to sit on the toilet seat cover while brushing my teeth and there were many times when I just said...

"Heck my teeth. I need to lie down. They can rot for all I care."

I had to drag myself to the doctor on the 3rd day my fever wouldn't go down after constant Paracetamol popping. I called for a cab (Vinz was at work and couldn't take leave) and took 5 minutes to walk down 10 steps down the stairs. It was that bad I tell you. I expected the doctor to presribe something really powerful or something just to ease my endless suffering. But all she said was alternate between Paracetamol and Ibuprofen taking and I will be fine in a couple of days to a week. A week? I can't afford a week! I have classes to attend !!

So I kept the pill popping. I was sweating in the middle of the night but I was shivering as well. I sprouted a bunch of nonsensical words in my sleep which Vinz couldn't even make out (cos he normally is able to understand my sleep talk). After exactly one week after a 38-39 degree C fever, it finally went away. I was so close to going to the emergency ward at the University hospital nearby. But I chickened out everytime the thought crossed my mind. I am afraid of jabs. Very afraid in fact that I would rather suffer in bed than have a needle being poked into my skin.

I managed to make it for my job interviews the following Friday in London and boy I must say that it was really an eye opener!

I've never ever been on a job interview before. The internship that I had back in JB was arranged by my dad and all I had to do was turn up on a certain Monday morning, introduce myself, get my own work station and that was it.

My interviews were with HSBC Malaysia and British American Tobacco (BAT) Malaysia. They found me via a corporate head hunter i.e. via the Global Careers Company which organises various career related events in Asia, Africa and Russia. Before I went for both the interviews, I already had in mine which job would suit me best. I never liked a banking job and I don't think I ever will unless the bank in Malaysia opens up a Corporate Responsibility/Ethical Banking department. The BAT job suited me just fine as it has a very large Corporate and Regulatory Affairs department without which the whole company will fail. My dad also discouraged me pursuing a job in the bank unless I can make full use of my expertise in CSR and Corporate Governance issues.

The interview with BAT was more of a one-on-one get to know you session. They did ask me a few technical questions just to test my knowledge of CSR and the law. But most of the questions focussed on whether I would be comfortable working for a tobacco company, why did I choose to study law, how many siblings I have (?) and what are my interests. Hopefully I will be called for an online test in a couple of weeks. Well, they did promise that I would be given the chance to do the test though. So I will just have to wait. If I do pass it, I will need to attend an assessment centre in Malaysia once I am home. They told me to contact them the moment I am ready for it and they will arrange one as soon as they can. After that, there will be a one to one interview with the Head of Function and then a job offer will be made presuming that I pass all the stages. I really am looking forward to a career with BAT. Yah...they may be a tobacco company and yah, they produce products which reduces the life span of millions of people, but I believe that a job is a job. Someone has to do it. And I am the willing one.

The HSBC interview on the other hand was much more formal. I am glad that I attended it because if BAT was the only interview I attended, I would probably think that all interviews will be as informal as theirs. I was interviewed by two people, one of which is a Caucasian and the other a Malaysian Chinese who happend to be an acquintance of my father. They asked me many tough questions and I had to lie through my teeth when answering a few of them. They asked if I would be comfortable selling unit trusts and promoting the bank's products to customers. They asked if I would give up a UK job offer to work in Malaysia. They asked what is my biggest disappointment, am I a self starter, what made me choose Law, why CSR, what is my stand on Ethical Banking, what am I do to if I am faced with a difficult customer, do I know what the Personal Financial Services department really does, which position of responsibility did I learn the most from and I was to give examples for each and every answer that I gave. Tough tough. It was like a grilling session. I was on the hot seat and I had to answer them within a given time limit.

At the end, they did not give me the job. My qualification failed me. Well, it didn't fail me per se, it failed the bank. They wanted someone only with an undergraduate qualification and I was over qualified for a job which requires me to promote the bank's products. All these feedback I got via my father who got a phone call from the chinese guy who interviewed me. Funny eh. Shouldn't I be the one getting first hand feedback?

Oh dear...I just realised that my post is getting a little bit too long winded. I shall stop here for the time being and update on V'day and Vinz's food poisoning soon.

See ya folks !

New Year, New Luck

2006-01-27T11:08:00.000Z

Its Chinese New Year in a couple of days. Ahhh...when I think back of CNY past...so many fond memories fill my head. This is the 4th CNY I'm away from home, 4th CNY not having the luxury to enjoy this festive occasion with the family and 4th CNY not being able to have the thrill of feeling red packets i.e. trying to guess if the contents is orange, green or dark green or maybe purple or just dark blue?

After so many years abroad, CNY still is significant to me. It is the time of the year where everyone gets together for a meal, to recap on old times and to usher in the new. Since we don't have our family here, our friends have become our family. We still try to keep the tradition alive. We visit each other, eat cookies and just enjoy the occasion with lots and lots of booze and gambling. Afterall, what is CNY without loud noises and the exchange of money?

Today, I will uphold the tradition that my father taught me. He was taught by his mother. And she was taught by her own mother. So...it has been running in our family for many years. I will pop into the bank later today to exchange for a couple of crispy new 5 pound notes to put into my wallet. New money, new luck.

Happy Chinese New Year to all! And may the Year of the Dog bring good health, lots of wealth and happiness to everyone! :)

Damn the E word !

2006-01-16T12:18:00.000Z

Last year this time, I was consoling myself that this will be the second last batch of exams I will ever have to take in my entire life. But...I was so wrong.

Tomorrow is the begining of my first batch of business related exams and I'm all nervous. Not as nervous as I was for law, but I'm nervous as I don't know what to expect. At least for law, I knew I had to solve problems, lengthy problems. But for business? What do I have to do? Give examples? Define concepts? What??

Sigh.

This better really be the second last batch of exams I will ever need to do in my entire life.

I am officially sick and tired of the damn E word already.

p.s. Vinz is back. That's one good news in my depressing state of life thanks to E's.

Tuition teachers who are too dedicated...

2006-01-12T10:48:00.000Z

My neighbour's mother back in Malaysia is 77 years old this year. She fell down while getting up from the chair about a month ago. It was a terrible fall. The pain was unbearable. She couldn't walk for about a week and even after she could walk, the pain was still there. So, my neighbour (who lost her husband to cancer 5 years ago) had to hire an Indonesian maid to help her look after her mother. Auntie called her brother who lives in Birmingham to come back to Malaysia to visit his ailing mother. He came the very next day. She called her sister in KL to come. She came the next day too. But she had to leave the following day...why?

"I have to go back lah. Got tuition to give. Cannot miss."

Sigh. Her mother is sick. So sick in fact that now she has developed a stomach ulcer. Her stomach bled till she fainted in the toilet and was foaming at the mouth. Yet her daughter in KL refuses to visit her because of her tuition classes.

What a dedicated teacher...but a horrible daughter...

Losing It Again...

2006-01-08T13:38:00.000Z

It was late Friday night here in UK and it was early Saturday morning in Malaysia. I called home to wish my parents a safe journey to KL. However, they were still in bed at 7.30am! My dad picked up his handphone and said a cracky hello. The moment I heard his voice, I lost it all. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I tried hard to stiffle my sobs. I missed home so much when I heard my dad speaking to me. We hardly ever speak over the phone mainly because I have nothing much to say to him but whenever we do, I am always choked with emotion.

I can't really remember the last time I missed home. It probably was the time I came back from my Christmas holiday in Malaysia and Singapore 2 years ago. I missed home terribly that I kept telling my mother that I wanted to go home in Easter and not finish my 3rd year here in Nottingham. I even researched online the numerous private colleges in KL which will accept 3rd year law students to continue their degree there. I found a few. I told all these to my mother and she said ok...do what you want to do. But I knew that she didn't mean it. Of course she wanted to continue with my education. Of course she wanted me to do well and excel. She only said that to comfort me and it worked. She encouraged me to go on a holiday to Europe with my friends. She assured that me I could call her anytime of the day, regardless whether it was morning, noon or night in Malaysia.

And all I could do was blame her. I blamed her for sending me away to boarding school at 17. I blamed her for allowing me to further my studies in the UK. I blamed her for encouraging me to choose to read law. I blamed her for everything in my life that did not go well.

But she did not reprimand me for all the blame. She took it all with stride and said all she wanted was the best for me and she misses me too.

I miss my parents. I miss home. I miss my sister and my nephew. I miss everything at home from my bed to the garden to the piano and every other little thing in the house.

Am I a Case of Sour Grapes?

2006-01-03T15:49:00.000Z

I watched with interest the interview by The Star with our ex-queen Tuanku Siti Aishah. Throughout the interview, I must say that she gave quite intelligent and diplomatic answers. I always have admiration for people who are able to answer tough and emotionally linked questions on the spot like that. I wonder whether I will ever be as tactful as her and other personalities who have been "grilled" by journalists and interviewers alike.

I guess many people from the outside looking in would gauge her life as glamorous and more than anyone could ask for. Afterall, she has travelled the world and must have been to her favourite holiday destination a trillion times. She surely has a collection of LV's, Prada's, Gucci's and what have you in her large closet of clothes and accessories. But I really really wonder...is she...or was she truly happy throughout that 11 years being a royal consort to a man 46 years her senior?

Only she knows I guess...

Big house...Big car...Big everything...does it really entail happiness?

Sometimes when I question things like this...I find myself being a case of sour grapes. Is it because that I don't have so many Big's in my life that I question the happiness of people who have them?

What does it mean to be truly happy?

The Begining...

2006-01-01T21:32:00.000Z

It was nearing 9pm UK time last night but Vinz was still wide awake in Malaysia. We talked over the phone...telling each other how much we love and miss one another. We were counting the days till we meet again. It is 11 more days to be exact. We both agreed that the most important day in 2005 was the day we got together. My thoughts then drifted back to the first time I heard his name...

It was the 31st of December 2004. My laptop was acting up after nearly 3 years of continuous service. I had no one to call but MF who obliged to come over to help me fix it. He proposed a complete reformating of my laptop and I agreed. He brought with him a portable hard drive to back up all my documents, songs, videos and photos. It belonged to his housemate, Vincent. I stored it all, he reformated it and I attempted to put my stuff back into my newly reformated laptop again. Unfortunately, ALL my videos and songs were missing! At that point in time, I was literally fuming mad with that Vincent. What kind of hard drive eats people's stuff?

Then it was the 26th of January. MF got his much sought after job in HSBC London. He called me and Laura for dinner and mentioned that his housemate, Vincent will be joining us as well. I thought...good...I can see that idiot whose hard drive ate my cartoons, Cantonese serials and Chinese songs. MF came to Hugh Stu to pick me up and I saw Vincent sitting at the front seat. Funny though. When I saw him, I couldn't bring myself to scold him for all the pain he caused me...

Vincent and I exchanged pleasantaries and I found him to be a humurous fella. He kept using the word "dumb" which I found particularly funny. After dinner, MF sent me back and that was it. I never thought that I would see that housemate of his again. Afterall, he did not make a big impression on me anyway...

A few days later, I got invited to Laura's place for dinner. I made chocolate chip cookies and brought them over. That Vincent turned up again. I thought to myself...must be lazy to cook at home lah...that's why come to people's house for dinner. He took a bite of my cookie and said..."OK lah". I wasn't too pleased as my cookies are known to be nothing short of delicious. The usual SR crowd came for dinner and poor Vincent was left out of most of the conversations as he did not know any of them. So, I tried to make him feel comfortable and started to chat with him a little. After a few more conversation exchanges, I thought....Hey...this guy is interesting!

The next day, I got a Frienster request from him. I added him and told him to add me to his MSN. We chatted online and I gave him my phone number without even him needing to ask me. I don't know why I did that really...I just felt like it.

That night, he SMS'ed me at nearly 2 in the morning. I replied and told him that I was annoyed by being disturbed so late into the night. But deep inside...I was delighted!

We kept exchanging SMS'es and kept chatting online. We even had lunch at McD's in the city and watched a movie together. I then became a regular fixture in his house as MF went back to Malaysia for a holiday. He cooked and we watched movies on his laptop. Sparks began to fly but I suppressed those feelings just in case he didn't feel the same way.

I was sick once and he came all the way to Hugh Stu to bring me a pot of steaming chicken porridge to make me feel better. I was so so touched by that gesture...

I received a box of flowers from him, a tiny little teddy bear and a chocolate for Valentine's Day. 6 days later, I went over to his place again to watch The Grudge. It was really scary and there were certain parts where I clung to him like super glue. He took advantage of that and held me tightly and whispered in my ear...

"Don't worry...I'm here...Don't be frightened anymore...I'm here..."

And that was it. That was how we got together and like I said in my previous post, we have not looked back since. Vinz is gentle, kind and loving. He may snore every night and is too fat for his own good but I don't care...All I know is that he loves me with all his heart and I do too.

The feeling is different from all the other men I have been with.

I am confident to say that Vinz is the ONE. He is everything in a man that I can ask for. He never bothers whether I put on make up or not when I step out of the house. He eats all the food that I cook and all the goodies that I bake without a single complaint. He gets along with my parents. He thinks about our future and works hard to make our dreams come true. He lives up to his promises. He makes me feel like his princess. He lets me bite him whenever I'm stresed. He shares his anxieties, hopes and dreams with me and so do I.

And most of all...He LOVES ME for ME!

Looking Back and Stepping Forward

2005-12-31T16:17:00.000Z

As the year draws to a close...I sat down on my bed this morning to look back on 2005. So many things happend this year...good things, bad things, happy things and sad things...

I graduated from Law School in July this year. It seemed like yesterday when I was struggling for my January and May exams. Now, I'm struggling again. But this time for another subject altogether. Something which I have chosen. And for better or worse, I will continue to strive hard like how I did for my LLB.

I met Vinz in January when MF invited me for dinner with Laura to celebrate his success in getting his dream job in HSBC London. We had dinner at Petite Paris; a cute little place above King's Walk which serves yummy French fare. My first impression of Vinz...funny. I met him again a few days later and that was when sparks begin to fly and cupid struck his arrow. We got together on the 20th of Febuary and we have not looked back since :)

My sister announced that she's pregnant with her second child and this time round it is a girl! The folks at home are delighted. So am I. Gonna be second time auntie soon!

2005 was also a year of death and sadness in our family. My beloved Uncle Bob Lim passed away of a sudden heart attack in Sydney. He was to turn 60 in a few months. A good friend of my parents died on the spot after being struck by lightning during a game of golf. God bless their souls.

My hopes and wishes for 2006 are...

That the world be a better place. No more wars. No more tsunami's. No more Katrina's.

That my world be better. That I get a job in the UK. That I pass my Master's. That my parents are healthy and happy always. That my nephew and new niece grow up well.

That Vinz and I continue to live happily...together...forever. (Whatever forever means....)

The Corridor...

2005-12-29T12:36:00.000Z

It feels like only yesterday that I left primary school. I was yearning to start my 5 years in the secondary school just across the road. It was the school where all the big girls go to; where the kakak's wear turquoise coloured pinafores and kurungs and where the infamous band played every afternoon regardless of the weather. Compared to the adik school, the kakak school seemed so much bigger and better. The primary school was old. Really old. The desks had "moon craters" all over it which made writing rather difficult. The only way to even up the "craters" were to line the desks with layers and layers of drawing block. The corridors were dark and dingy. There were decades old cupboards which occupied half the walk ways. Sometimes I wondered whether any skeleton of a naughty girl from the past would just pop out if I opened any of them. It was on that dark corridor that many of my dreams for the past few nights occured...

I don't know why I have been dreaming of the past so much. Last night I dreamt of my primary school classmate, Khadijah Poh. She was clad in a customary tudung albeit with jeans and a maroon coloured checked blouse. As I walked past her, I found her face so familiar so I turned back and called out to her. She recognised me instantly and told me that she's studying in Pengkalan Chepa. I told her that I'm pursuing my Master's in almost the same field that she is in i.e. Environment protection except that my field is got to do with how corporations are responsible for such protection. She then gave me a book, some sort of an advertorial book on how to protect the environment which is sponsored by several MNC's. I thanked her for it and told her that I will use it for my dissertation.

Crazy dream. I don't know why I dreamt of Khadijah. The last time I met her was in Form 4 when both of us represented our schools for the district level English debate and we didn't even exchange any words; just a smile. Do I miss my old friend Khadijah? Is it a calling that I need to keep in touch with my old friends? That old as they may be...they can help me in achieving my goals still..?

So many of dreams have started at that dingy corridor. That dark...musty...corridor. It was at that corridor that many of the friendships I made in primary school started and ended. Maybe that it why I yearn to go back to that place...to relieve the happy and the sad moments.

Trip to Florence

2005-12-27T17:16:00.000Z

All thanks to Florence, I am down with a horrible bout of flu. Worst one since I came back to Notts in September. My head is all fuzzy and I can hardly concentrate on anything. So I thought of resizing my photos and writing a bit of a travelogue. How difficult can that get?

Florence was...er...boring. But in retrospect, after looking at the photos we took, it doesn't look that bad afterall. It is actually quite picturerisque. I'll let the photos do the talking now...

We started off in Pisa. And Pisa being Pisa...what else is there to offer other than the infamous Leaning Tower.

The tower was really leaning. I could feel the leaning'ness while climbing up the steep and narrow stairs. We climbed up the staggering 350 something stairs and caught a glimpse of Pisa's skyline.

After Pisa, we headed off to Florence by train. The journey took a little bit more than an hour and we arrived all in one piece with minimal English and freezing feet and hands.

That's me, Claire and Angela on the streets of Florence. It was super duper cold. No, correction. It was like a freaking freezer there!

The next day, we visited the famous Piazza Michaelangelo where the view was simply breathtaking!

The statue of David - the fake one.

We visited the Ufizzi gallery as well. A place which I highly recommend to art enthusiast but not people like me who took a look at the place and ran off in search of food instead.

Check out the cows. They were all over Florence!

The Duomo. Lovely architecture. It looks 2D but its actually 3.

What's a trip to Italy without trying out their spaghetti, pizzza's and rissoto's?

I was so tempted to bring this darling home...

3kg bottle of Nuttella!!

I came home with a runny nose and a sore throat. I also came home with Kinder Bueno's, Baci chocolates and yummy Italian biscuits. Not to mention black pasta made from squid ink and heart shaped pasta's. And...most importantly, I came home with a Gucci wallet for my baby and a Gucci handbag for myself :P

Would I recommend Florence to anyone? Yes, go to Florence if you are an art fan. Go to Florence if you love Gucci's and Prada's and LV's and D&G's and Ferragamo's...

Now, to leave you with a bit of England...yup...it snowed today in Notts. Finally.

'Tis the Season!

2005-12-16T12:54:00.000Z

Yup! It is the season to be jolly once more. Christmas is upon us again and being in a land where the birth of Jesus our saviour is celebrated with pomp and grandeur, I just can't help but carve a smile on my face when I see those twinkling Christmas lights decorating the dull streets of Nottingham.

The lights in my heart however, are not twinkling. They have actually been switched off for quite a while since Vinz went back to Malaysia. I am looking forward to January 12th eagerly.

I'll be off to London today and I'm going for my annual (hmm..not so annual already since I went for a trip in June) holiday to Europe! This time Eileen and I have selected Florence as our destination. I anticipate lots of shopping and photo taking and of course gelato eating :P

I will post up the photos once I get my courseworkS started and finished. So, I probably will not be updating this blog in the next couple of weeks.

Here's wishing my readers (if any of them still linger around here) a very Happy Christmas and a Blessed New Year!

Father Lord,
I thank You for Jesus...
I thank You for bringing Jesus to us...
I thank You for all the good things that You have given us...
I thank You for always being there for us whenever we need you, Lord.
In Jesus's holy name...
Amen

God is shining on me today and everyday...

2005-12-08T10:44:00.000Z

I walked to the main campus this morning feeling happy because I will be able to collect my 1000pound scholarship cheque from the International Office. When I arrived in the office, it stiffling hot! So, I took off my cardigan and put it in my bag instead. I was given the cheque and I happily put it into my purse. I then put the purse on top my cardigan inside my bag. Just before I left the office, I put on my earphones and played some of my favourite songs on my Sony Ericsson w800i.

I walked out of the office and felt that my bag was a wee bit too bulgy so I decided to take out my cardigan and hold it instead. I walked on whilst listening to 'You Raise Me Up' by Westlife.

I waited at the Hopper bus stop to take the bus to Jubilee Campus and when the bus came in less than 2 minutes, I hopped on.

As I was listening to Samantha Mumba's 'Lately', I received a phone call.

'Are you Miss Jen Yu Lai?'

'Errr...yeahhh' (thinking to myself..you got my name terbalik lah..but nvm)

'You dropped your purse at the Trent building. You can come and collect it from now till this evening.'

'Ohhhhh...thank you so much!!!'

My God. How could I have been so careless! Thank God for the kind hearted soul who picked my purse up and turned it in to the security guard's office. Although I only had 5pounds worth of cash inside it, my credit cards, debit cards and the 1000pound cheque is inside.

I can't stop thanking God today!

I'm Coming Back to the Heart of Worship...

2005-12-01T21:24:00.000Z

I am a bad bad bad child of God.

Since I came back to Nottingham in September, I can count the number of times I went for Solid Rock with just one hand. I attended one bible study and 2 worship sessions. I haven't been to church too. My excuse...too far to walk...too dark to walk back at night...too this...too that. What bad and horrible excuses. It is not an excuse for me to say that its too far to go to church! Its just a 20 minute walk. It is not an excuse for me to say that I don't want to walk back alone in the dark after SR. There are so many friends walking back to the Dunkirk area at 10pm on a Friday night. Sigh. What happend to me?

I suddenly had this wake up call from God this morning. I was sitting in front of my computer and staring at the screen blankly. Then I decided to check my email. There waiting for me was an email from SR asking help from people to bring food and be ushers for our annual Christmas event next week. Immediately, I felt that God was calling me to wake up and continue to be in His service. He told me to volunteer and be a part of this evangelistic event. He wants me to spread the Good News to my friends. I haven't been spreading any Good News this year at all. I have been really quiet about my faith. In fact, I have been so quiet that I hardly ever prayed to Him whether when I am down or when I am thankful. I have not given any thanks to Him. I have not sought for any forgiveness for the bad things I did and the bad thoughts that I had.

I have been a bad child of God. I have neglected Him.

Suddenly...I remembered one of the worship songs that we sang in church and SR...

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
(The Heart of Worship - Michael W Smith)

Yes, Lord. I'm coming back to the Heart of Worship. I'm sorry Lord for the things I have done. And now Lord...it is all about You now. It's all about You now. Amen.

Wedding Ring? No need lah...

2005-11-30T10:17:00.000Z

The weather may be getting colder but my heart is getting warmer by the day. Vinz finally got his visa problem settled (after going through an interview and a few trips to the UK Visas department in KL). Now, I don't have to keep worrying that he will be rejected his visa again.

We talked over the phone yesterday and he said...

"Baby...what do you want for your birthday?"

"Errr...I thought you said you wanna give me a diamond ring wan?"

"Yes lah...I thought so. But then, after I think think think...how to buy a ring for you wor? I don't know your ring size and you know my taste...how lousy it is. So I've decided, when I come back, we go choose one together ok?"

"Babyy..I just love you so much when you rationalise things like that! You're so smart! Why I never think of you not knowing my ring size wan?"

"So, come back only buy diamond ring ok?"

"Ok baby...and you know once you buy it for me you can't regret wan you know..."

"Of course no regrets baby...I love you so much. I want to grow old with you...remember?"

Honestly, I'm not hard-up for the diamond ring. I just want him to be back with me and not be apart anymore. Diamond ring or not, its not important. You know, they say a wedding band on the fourth finger binds your love together or something like that? I say...I don't need a band around my finger to bind our love because there is already this invisible bond, this unexplainable bond that we have created through time...an everlasting bond which is so priceless that no precious stone can match up to.

On another note, I think the cold weather is killing my joints. I have this horrible aching pain in my knee joints whenever I climb stairs or get up from a chair. I must be getting old. I told Vinz about it and he said...

"Old ah? Even if you're old baby...I will still love you."

Malaysians Don't Know What They Are Missing Until It Has Been Taken Away From Them...

2005-11-25T17:03:00.000Z

"Hello...Where are you from?"

"I'm from the Sultanate of Oman."

"Har?"

"I'm from Oman..."

"Ohhh...I know where is that. Muscat is your capital right?"

"Allah is great! Finally someone knows where my country is!"

That was the conversation I had with my new found friend from Oman. Her name is Mohza and she worked for 3 years in Oman before coming to Nottingham under a government scholarship. Excuse my ignorance for I would think that the Omani government would be biased against women when it comes to education. However, to my very surprise, Mohza told me that 28 candidates were selected for the scholarship and only one of them is a male!

Anyway...we had quite an interesting conversation on the bus back from class. She said she wants to visit Malaysia as her friends spend their honeymoon there. Things are cheap, the people are friendly, our culture is almost identical and the food is safe for them to eat. She made me laugh so hard when she said this...

"When I find my man, I'm going to Malaysia!"

Mohza does know quite a bit of our country. She said she read that we are a multiracial, multicultural and multi-religious society. Muslims, Christians, Buddhists and Hindus live in harmony in the same neighbourhood without any quarrels or arguments. And I agreed with her. She added that it will be really nice if her country is as diversified as ours. She said that we are so lucky to be able to experience different cultures without even stepping out of our country to witness it.

For Christmas, Mohza will be visiting a Christian family in Cardiff. She said she wants to experience what Christians do during Christmas and how they observe this religous occasion in church. Again, pardon my ignorance but the Muslim friends from Malaysia that I know will frown upon such practices. But Mohza who hails from the Middle East (where the religion came about) is so open minded about it!

She came all the way from Oman to England to experience a different culture from hers. She came to see the world and absorb the good and bad of it.

What about us Malaysians? We have a melting pot of cultures sitting nicely at our backyard, yet we choose to close our doors to it...Why?

Ducks Ice-Skating?

2005-11-21T19:58:00.000Z

I woke up this morning and was a wee bit disappointed that I did not wake up to a snow capped car park. But as I looked closer, I saw frost built up overnight on the green grass and on my neighbours' cars. Thick frost. It could almost pass as snow. I opened my window and stretched my hand out to test the air. It was bitterly COLD. My "test drive" only lasted less than 5 seconds. I quickly shut the window and switched on the heater.

As I walked out of my apartment, I decided to take some photos of the frost bitten ground.

Frozen leaves and twigs

Frost covered grass

Can you see the ice?

Just look at the ducks. They are ice-skating!

I wonder what tomorrow's weather will bring. Snow? Or just more frost?

Let it Snow...Let it Snow...Let it Snow!

2005-11-20T22:11:00.000Z

Yes, bring on the snow!

It has been freezing for the past one week here in the UK. We are anticipating the coldest winter in 10 years (some actually say in 20 years). Frost is on the ground everywhere! I don't remember it being so cold in November since the first year I came here. All I'm waiting now is for the snow to fall on the grounds of Nottingham. I can't wait to build a snow man and put a carrot for his nose!

My mind suddenly transported me back to my N11 room in Hugh Stu last Christmas. The staff switched off the heater when they left campus for their vacation and we, international students were left to freeze in the bitter cold winter. I had no portable electric heater unlike some other students so I had to wear two pairs of thick socks, two pairs of pyjama pants, one t-shirt and two sweaters. I was actually contemplating to wear a pair of gloves but decided not to as it would almost be impossible to do any writing. On Boxing Day, I could take the cold no longer so I put on my army suit of a thick winter jacket, a woolen scarf, woolen gloves, winter boots and thermal wear and headed straight to the city to get myself a 20pound Delonghi electric heater which worked soOooO well!

I thought last year was cold, this year is worse. I've got the heating on in my room and yet I still need to wear the same gear I had on last year minus the two pyjama pants. Terrible.

Someone please remind me why I'm still in this cold and grey country when I could very well have been basking in the warm sunshine back home...

Blog Back in Action...

2005-11-17T23:35:00.000Z

You know when you are out of the blogging world for so long, you just lose touch. The longer you leave, the less you are drawn to writing. Just the same thing that is happening to me right now.

I have been reading blogs regularly. I know that James went to the Taiping Zoo with the family. I know that Mami and Buaya69 have gone to greater heights. And I know that Auntie Lilian just made really yummy Malay style fried chicken. The only thing I haven't done regularly is write.

So now I'm back and I hope I will be back for good. Of course there will be some pauses here and there due to the constant heavy workload I have. But hopefully other than those small hiccups, there will not be anymore missing links in my written public life.

Just a little update on what I've been up to for the past month...

Vinz went back to Malaysia and will be back on January 12th. The first night was hell. It was lonely and quiet in our suddenly huge apartment. The second night was better and by the third, I was back to my old self; the girl who lives by herself, shuts herself up in her room all day and eats nothing but vegetables and plain rice for dinner. Life still has to go on I thought. So I might as well make the best out of it.

Then I was busy with my assignments and still am actually. I wrote 2 essays and I've got another one to write before the begining of the holidays. I've got 2 group projects which I will elaborate on how irritated I am with some irresponsible members.

I also attempted to bake some ginger cookies last week which turned out pretty alright. I've gobbled down half the batch I made in a week and I might just make somemore when I'm in the right mood for some.

And of course I've been on the phone with my dear boyfriend. He misses me like crazy and so do I. He even offered me to buy a plane ticket for me to go back to Malaysia to be with him for Christmas and stay in his house. But of course...how could I agree to such a thing? Romantic though it may sound but if my mum finds out and she probably will cos KL isn't very small, I will be chopped into a few million pieces and be put into her grinder.

For now I just have to live in this apartment with the whirring sounds of my computer to keep me company till Vinz comes back. He sent me a text early Monday morning which said...

"Baby...when I come back...I promise we won't be apart like this again. We will be together always ok?"

How is Water Culturally Significant to Indians?

2005-10-20T10:40:00.000Z

I woke up at 5.30 this morning thanks to the alarm that was set by Vinz last night to wake him up early so that he won't be late for his meeting at Swindon later today. After that, I couldn't get back to sleep as the other half of our double-bed was empty and cold. I stared blankly into the air and sighed. I can't stand sleeping alone for a few hours already what more sleeping alone for the next 2 and a half months when he goes back to Malaysia for his annual holiday?

I've already thought of things to keep me occupied for the next 10 weeks or so. I've signed up to go for the first Solid Rock social at Peak District a day after he leaves for Malaysia. I've also decided to emerse myself in my endless list of assignments and projects. And of course get the customary job hunting while in UK over and done with. I checked out a few companies of my choice during their visit to our university on Monday and have sort of decided that I do want to work in a consulting firm such as KPMG, Deloitte, PwC and the like. I will have to start filling up application forms, dressing up my CV to make it look presentable and delectable and of course pray for the very very best. Academically, I have got what it takes. I satisfy their conditions of having a 2nd upper degree from a respectable university and also at least 300 UCAS points. The only thing I lack now is non-academic achievements. I hope my year in the Postgraduate Students Association and also the MA/MSc Society will boost my CV a little. I do have some work experience i.e. working OUTSIDE my father's firm as well. Oh...how could I forget that I worked in my Hall's shop for a year! It might not be a challenging job but at least I had some responsibility. So I really hope that I qualify at least for the interview as it would really be an enriching experience going down to London and wearing a pin-strip suit with pointy black high-heels :)

But for now till Wednesday (which is when I'm meeting my career's adviser), I will just have to research on how water is culturally significant to Indians. Basically, I need to know the Indian culture in a nut-shell. I suppose I can get them online but after going for Qualitative Research Methods class, I think a semi-structured interview with my Indian classmates will boost my research essay a little. Oh...by the way...I'm researching on Coca-Cola's bottling plant in Kerala, India; on how they extracted water from an already water deprieved state and dumped toxic waste back to the villagers claiming that they are fertilisers. It may be an overeaction on the part of environmentalist and the people of Kerala or it may be a truth, a fact which Coca-Cola is vehemently denying. And thus it is MY JOB to research about it. If anyone has some ideas please do not hesistate to contribute them here. Thanks!!

Off to Business Ethics class now! Cherio!

"Mama...Pain pain!"

2005-10-13T09:03:00.000Z

It's been nearly a month since I came back to the UK and I'm really missing my dear nephew. During my holidays at home, he brought sunshine to my gloomy days and brought laughter whenever everyone was having a bad day. His cute little antics managed to stiffle any sniffle and subdue any argues.

Just yesterday I called home and my mum, as usual, had lots to tell about Lucas. He had his booster 2 days ago but he did not cry. That's my boy! So brave! :) However, when he woke up from his afternoon nap, he refused to get out of bed. He kept pointing at his legs and said...

"Mama...Pain pain!"

So my sister had to carry him around to stop him from whining. The next day he was scheduled to go for his thrice weekly playschool. He refused to go again and kept pointing at his legs and said...

"Mama...No no! Pain pain!" - which meant no school and pain in the legs.

So again my sister had to carry him to school and while at the other kids were sliding down slides and driving cars with only 3 wheels, he was being carried like a little baby.

My parents have a habit of phoning him everyday and when my dad wanted to talk to his darling grandson, Lucas said...

"No no!!!"

The phone was then passed to my mum but she got the same...

"No no!!!"

And when my sister asked him who he wants to talk to, he said...

"Yi-yi!!!"

And so he did. He picked up the phone and dialed some ineligible numbers and started talking to "me". He kept pointing at his legs and kept saying "pain pain". When he was asked where is yi-yi, he said...

"Home!"

And he added sound effects to it as well...

"WooOOooOoooOOo!" - meaning the sound of the aeroplane. That is where yi-yi went. She went on an aeroplane far far away...

He knows that I'm in London. Can't tell him Nottingham cos its just way too many syllable for such a small boy. When asked who he wants to see in London, he'll say...

"Yi-yi!!"

And when my mum says...

"No lah. Go London to see the Queen."

Lucas will get so upset with her and say...

"No no!!! Yi yi!"

How can I not miss him? If you had a nephew like that, I'm sure you'll miss him too, won't you?

It's not that bad afterall...

2005-10-04T17:41:00.000Z

I was really apprehensive before my first seminar type lecture yesterday. There are only 7 of us on this course and all of them seem to have a lot to say while I thought I had none. Fortunately, I had things to say too. I'm glad to say that I contributed to the vibrant feel of the seminar and shared my little knowledge about the Malaysian business climate and ethics. Of course I also to shed some light on our practice of "duit kopi" to get things done quickly and with less red tape. The 2 students from UK were shocked when I said that but the other students from Germany, Brazil, China and Iraq did not even raise an eye. This way, the Brit students managed to see that business practice are shaped by the culture of each society since they have heard and learn very little from outside their own little island.

The whole seminar today was equally as interesting or actually it was even more interesting than yesterday's. We had a very experience professor in this field and he shared with us his experiences in having hand at formulating the UN Global Values, Social Reports for various MNC's. He also pointed out something very very interesting. How many of us actually know the owner of a brand of a certain product? I did not know that Kraft Cheese and the Kraft associated products are actually controlled by Phillip Morris the tobacco company. Would this deter you from buying Kraft cheese from the supermarket tomorrow? Would it deter me? I think this too is a good dissertation topic. How many people in this world are actually aware of the impact of business ethics in their lives? So what if they did used animals to test the shampoo you're using? So what if Dove soap contains an agent which is cancer causing? It smells nice. Its cheap. It has a great meaning behind the word Dove. It means peace. Dove's advertising campaign tells us that everyone is beautiful. You may be fat, short and ugly but it won't stop Dove from making you feel good and live a life that belongs to you and not to the eyes of others.

Would you use a Body Shop product because Anita Roddick runs her company ethically or do you use it because it smells great, its good for your skin and etc? Why don't you use a bar of soap which has the same ingredients and same effect on your skin as a branded soap produced by a multinaltional conglomerate (usually Unilever)?

Plagued.

2005-09-29T16:51:00.000Z

Words. Words. And more words. I have been plagued by the word disease.

Research. This word scares me. It scared me on the first day of my induction week for my MA course. It still scares me now. I have a 3000 word essay to do on research methods. How the hell am I to argue which research method is better than the other? Each has its own pro's and con's. Each has it's own strength and weakness. Research Methods really put me off. It's not even the first week of class yet and I'm already stressed out of my wits.

Yes, I hold a degree in law and research should be nothing new to me. But the research we did back in law school is nothing compared to the ones I'm going to embark on. Law school research was simple. There were only a few journal titles to go through and you roughly know where and which author writes on what subject.

Maybe I'm all too new to the business school and the way things work around it. Maybe I'm all too new to being a postgraduate student. No more "cut and paste". No more keeping my mouth shut during tutorials and seminars. No more trying to hide away from the enquiring eyes of the lecturers. It is high time for me to contribute to the voices in the room and show them what I've got. But honestly, I don't think I have much to offer. 3 of my classmates have work experience before. One of them has actually worked in India in the CSR field. The other has Marketing experience and has already thought out what topic her dissertation would be - CSR and Ethical Marketing. What about my dissertation topic?

CSR and Corporate Governance in Asia?

Sounds good eh? But what about the RESEARCH?

I'm the only non-business graduate in the course and that makes me the only person with a law background. Everyone I talked to ooh'ed and ahh'ed at my qualification but I'm envious of them instead. They have the edge. They know the basics while I know what happends if the only male in the class has sexual intercourse with one of the females without her consent.

Bah. I'm crapping.

MAS lost RM 280 million last year. Now I know why...

2005-09-28T14:11:00.001Z

I am again guilty of not posting for a long long time. Now that I am back in Notts and have embarked on my Master's course, I finally have something to write and rant about.

I left Malaysia on the 17th of September. I was on First Class and thoroughly enjoyed the flight. The service was impeccable and the reclining seat cum bed was really very comfortable. Even the headphones and the TV screen were extra large. I really had the kind of service you see on airline advertisements. When you leave your seat, the stewardess will make the bed for you and once you return she will cover you with a nice and warm silk blanket. The toilet on board was of course much bigger than the business or economy class ones and the tap was not the normal ones where you press and only a tiny stream of water flows down. Instead, you only need to press them once and a heavy flow of water showers onto your hands which can be softened later with their full range of hand and body care moisturizers. Food was good; much better than business class. As usual, the appetizer served for the night was Satay and there were even pralines and Haagen Daz ice-cream for dessert. Fancy some fruit? Just tell the stewardess what you would like on your fruit platter.

I really don't have anything to complain about the service on board. The crew's manners were great. They were so polite to the extent that I found it slightly irritating for them to keep calling me Miss Lai. There were 11 other people enjoying the wonderful service with me. One of them was Tan Sri Yeoh Tiong Lay himself. He came with his wife and daughter. I think they must have been so familiar with workings of the seat and it's multitude of buttons. The crew were also extra friendly to them as I'm sure they must have served them at least a dozen times before. Sitting in the middle row were 2 young Malay ladies dressed in Versace and had Fendi bags. They looked like they were going to London for a shopping spree on their rich Datuk husband's money. The rest of the passengers were businessmen and businesswomen. I was the only student and looked like the youngest of the lot.

The plane took off late because of some irresponsible idiot who turned up late for the flight. We waited for him for 15 minutes and then the captain decided that it was too long a wait and so had his bags unloaded. But as the ground staff were getting his bags off the cargo, he turned up. However, we couldn't take off yet because of air traffic. Thus, we took off 50 minutes later. We could have arrived 50 minutes earlier then scheduled but we arrived on time instead.

Once the plane touched down at Heathrow airport and the cabin door opened, I rushed out as I wanted to catch the 7am bus back to Nottingham. We arrived at 6am sharp. Immigration check was done in less than 5 minutes as I was the first person to request clearance. However, my bags which were supposed to be tagged with FRCL were tagged with EYCL instead and it took exactly and hour for them to be out on the baggage carousle. My First class counterparts got their bags in less than 15 minutes and the other Business Class passengers got theirs in no more than 30 minutes. I was fuming mad and knew that I wouldn't make it for the 7am bus.

How could MAS make such a mistake? Why were my bags tagged with EYCL instead of FRCL? I was given a First Class boarding card, a First Class lounge coupon and was seated in the First Class cabin. I also checked in at the First Class counter. What happend? What went wrong?

These were the questions I threw to the MAS personnel at the baggage carousel. They were very apologetic and told me that they will telex my complain back to KLIA immediately. They also advised me to write in to MAS personally to express my grievance. One of their staff pushed my bags all the way to the Central Bus Station in the hope that the bus was still there due to a delay in departure. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I had to get another ticket for the 8.15am one which stopped at London for 50 minutes. Luckily I did not have to pay for the ticket because I was delayed due to flight problems.

On arriving at London Victoria Bus Station, I encountered yet another difficulty. There were no trolleys at the arrival hall and I had to get from there to the departure hall for a bus change back to Notts. As it was a Sunday, the porter was not there to help passengers. Almost all of the passengers on board the same bus as me travelled with at least one companion so dragging and carrying their luggage was no problem. I stood there for a moment and a Chinese girl I recognised at the airport came up to me. She is also from Malaysia and travelling alone. She had more bags than me and she suggested that we take turns to watch our bags and carry them over to the departure hall. And so that was how I managed to not miss my bus back and lose my luggages.

I was fuming mad about the MAS incident until I cooled down while waiting for the bus to Notts. I remembered that I prayed for God's will to be done and not mine. It was God's will for me to miss the bus and stop in London instead of going back straight. If I wasn't at London Victoria at that time, what would have happend to the first year girl? I believe I was sent by God to help her and that made me not angry about the whole bag fiasco at the airport.

I told my parents and my dad insisted that he write to MAS a letter of complaint. We did not ask for any compensation but just a letter to let the MAS personnel and check in staff know that what they did was completely wrong and unprofessional. They have yet to reply but I hope they will pretty soon.

MAS lost RM 280 million last year. Now I know why...

"Baby...I want to grow old with you."

2005-08-16T22:57:00.000Z

I love it when Vinz and I talk about our future. We've been talking and sharing our thoughts about our relationship. Coming Saturday will be celebrating our 6th month anniversary. Although we are thousands of miles apart, we have never spent a single day not talking to each other over the phone and sending SMS's. Since we both have decided (and I have got the nod from my parents) to stay together this coming September, we have been talking about sharing our lives.

I love it when he says...

"Baby...I want to grow old with you."

and

"Baby...I want to hold you tight and not let go."

and

"Baby...I'm happy if you're happy."

and

"Baby...It hurts me to see you cry."

and

"Baby...Don't be scared. I'm here...no bad dreams anymore ok?"

When he said that he wants us to grow old together and that he will love me forever, I said...

"That means you must marry me you know..."

And he said...

"Give me 5 years baby...5 years and I promise I'll marry you..."

Tell me, which girl's heart will not melt when she hears this from the one she loves and adores most?

I know that words are merely words if no action is done to turn them into reality. But I'm positive this time. This is one relationship that I don't have any doubts with. The past one I had, I had doubts whether I was willing to give up living in the UK just to go back to be with him. But this time I know that wherever I go or to make things fair, wherever he goes, we will be physically and emotionally together. We have made a pact that for the next 5 years, we will not be leaving the UK unless one of us is unable to sustain and/or obtain a job there.

Of course anything can happen in the next 5 years. But like I said...I am positive this time. Very positive. And the fact that my parents like him gives me the extra confidence to move on further in this relationship :)

British Supermarkets vs Malaysian Supermarkets

2005-08-15T02:12:00.000Z

I was grocery shopping with my mum at Giant today. As usual, we bought some vegetables and fruits. And being loose items, we needed to have them weighed at the weighing station before proceeding to the check out counter where the items will be scanned. There were 4 electronic weighing scales at the station and 4 staff on duty. 3 machines were switched on and one machine was off (presumably down). However, only one counter was open for a long queue of frustrated and angry housewives carrying and cooing their crying babies and children.

As I was lining up right at the end of the dragon's tail, my mind started to wonder how much money Giant can save if they make the weighing station staff redundant. I use the word redundant because under Employment Law, if they are dismissed, the company has to pay an even bigger compensation to them. Their job can be done by the cashier at the check out counter. In the UK, all supermarkets operate this way. You bring your loose items to the check out and the cashier identifies the product's keycode by looking at the sticker on it, she will weigh it and a price comes out. Easy pizzy, jumping easy...

Even if the local supermarkets do not want to make their weighing station staff redundant, they can employ them as cashiers. What is the point of having 20 cash registers when only less than 10 are open during peak hours. This makes the whole supermarket congested with people and their shopping trollies. The whole shopping experience is diminshed greatly like this. Better still, local supermarkets should have self-checkout counters for customers with less than 10 items in their basket. This saves cost for the company and saves time for the customer. Afterall, it is just scanning the product into the machine, putting in your cash or swipping your card and off you go. If you can pay for the carpark fee yourself via the automated machine, why can't you pay for a tube of sweets, a pack of chocolates, a carton of milk or a few bags of vegetables by yourself?

I know I've been comparing too much between the UK and Malaysia. But the reason why I'm comparing and complaining at the same time is because I am very confident that Malaysia has a lot more to offer than what we have now. Malaysia has the potential to expand the quality of their service industry and make the consumers more satisfied than they are presently. Malaysia can do it but Malaysia is reluctant to for a reason that I cannot comprehend.

Is it so difficult for the cashier to smile and say hello? Is it so difficult for customers to bag their own groceries? Is it so difficult to handle the trollies with care?

Vote Me. Vote Me Not.

2005-08-14T20:04:00.000Z

I cannot deny the fact that I am a huge fan of Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol. I have followed the AF series since its first season and I thoroughly enjoy the programme even though it is largely in Malay. I even AFUNDI'ed for my favourite contestant which includes Vince from AF1, Linda from AF2 and most recently Amylea from AF3. Although the winners are chosen by the audience themselves, I find it a very unfair system for those contestants who sing superbly well but lacked the winning look or style.

Mawi performed well during every concert. Felix made a few flawed performances. Amylea, on the other hand was very consistent and her voice was booming for a girl of her age and size. When she sang "Don't know why" by Norah Jones in one of the concerts, she sang it so beautifully. She did not bite on her words unlike the rest of the contestants. Mawi had a whole load of supporters. I would like to speculate it is because of his humble background, coupled with the fact that this is a Malay programme and he sang mostly Malay traditional songs during the concerts. He was given the edge too when M Nasir wrote "Aduhai Seroja" for him. These are the songs that suit his voice the best and it was well liked by the audience.

Mawi scooped a whooping 58% of the total votes casted by the audience via SMS. He got none from me.

Why vote only for someone that you think deserves to win the title? Why not vote for someone to be off the stage next week as well? Isn't that a fairer way and also isn't this going to be a more lucrative business for our telecommunications industry?

To illustrate this further, I watched few weeks worth of Malaysian Idol. I strongly believe that Ejay and Daniel should not be there week after week after week. If the programme adopts my suggestion, I would vote YES for Nita and NO for Ejay and Daniel. Each NO a contestant receives, a YES vote will be deducted from the pool. Sounds fair?

Its going to be more work for the organisers but it gives the contestants an idea of how bad or good they performed.

Agree?

Stay At Home Mum? No way!!!

2005-08-12T13:57:00.000Z

I've been in Singapore for the past 2 days and being here means staying at my sister's place, playing and taking care of my nephew. It was fun for the first few hours but I got tired and fed up of running around and speaking baby language. I needed to do something to stimulate that brain of mine. Running around and playing lego blocks as big as my hand aren't all that stimulating. I can't imagine myself being a good mother like my sister. She stays at home all day, cooks, feeds and plays with her son. I probably would die of boredom and/or frustration.

My sister has a PhD in Chemistry and now she is employed by her husband as the Home Minister. Sure she gets a hefty paycheck but I personally feel that it is a total waste of her talent by staying at home and taking care of the household. But, she thinks otherwise. She wants to have a very close bond with her son and her husband. She wants to be there for the boy when he says his first word, stands on his two feet unsupported for the first time, crawls all by himself and etc. She wants to be there for all his first's and second's and third's and all the moments in his little life. She doesn't want herself to be replaced by the Phillipino maid who takes her son to play school.

Frankly, I don't mind. I don't mind going out to work and leaving my kid with the maid. In fact, I want to work. I want to make use of my education. Yes, an education is not equivalent to a passport to the working world but I'd rather make it as one. I don't like to depend on a man for money. I want to have my own income, spend on whatever I like, save the rest and invest them in properties or mutual funds. I always tell my mum that my hands are to sign important documents and prepare reports. They are not to clean the toilet and scrub the floor. Yes, I don't mind scrubbing the floor right now i.e. while I'm still a student but when I leave student hood, I don't want to do that anymore. I am not saying that doing housework is an insult my education but it is simply a waste.

When I'm at work, I can meet so many other people from different walks of life. But, if I am a home maker, the circle of friends that I'll meet are the mum's from my kid's kindy who compare prices from one supermarket to another.

Maybe I'm not ready to have kids and not ready to build a family of my own. Or maybe I'm just still too young and immatured. But then again...I really can't see myself being as great as my sister. I cannnot sacrifice my job, my career just to experience the first in my kid's life. There are so many working mothers out there that I know and their children turned out just as fine. I trust I will be able to juggle working life with family time.

Vinz and I have talked about this before and he, unlike my brother-in-law encourages me to work. He said that a woman should work and should have her own independent income because who knows what will happen next time. Her husband may be an alchoholic, a womaniser or a gambler. At least with a job, she'll be able to take care of herself and her kids. I cannot agree more...

Malaysians - An inconsiderate lot?

2005-08-09T17:52:00.000Z

I took the train back to JB from Tampin last week with my mum. We were on the First Class coach. The coach was empty besides the both of us. There was another First Class coach behind the one we took and it was full. The ride was fine and the coach was ok considering we had the whole coach to ourselves. Halfway through the journey, I had to use the train's toilet. So, I went out of the coach and used the toilet in between two coaches. After I was done, I tried to open the sliding door leading to the coach but it was stuck. Mind you, this was an automatic door. All I needed to do was to step on the mat and it will automatically open but this time it didn't. There was a button which opens the door manually but the cap was off and all was left of the button were just some green and red wires.

I was left stranded a few feet away from my mum's seat yet she couldn't hear me knock on the glass door. The train was moving fast and the noise of the train's wheels gliding over the tracks muffled my knocks. I looked back and I saw a bunch of people watching me from the other coach. They sat on their fat backsides and just stared at me trying to catch my mum's attention. I signaled to them for help but they ignored me. A man in his forties, wearing a suit and a tie became trigger happy as he took out his phone from his pocket and started snapping photos of me fighting to open the damn door. What an idiot!

Yes, I could have used my mobile to call my mum but unfortunately, that stretch of the journey had no reception. So too bad for me.

I think I must have been stranded outside there for nearly 10 minutes when I decided to take off my Vinci slippers and slam the glass door to make an even louder noise. I turned around and saw that trigger happy idiot laughing and the rest of the people smiling back at me.

The loud slapping sound alerted my mum and she opened the sliding door from the inside. Thankfully, she heard it or else I would have been stuck outside until the train made a stop at the next station which was about another 40 minutes away.

I really wanted to show those idiots my 3rd finger but I refrained from doing so. All I could do was shake my head and looked at them in total disgust.

First Class passengers; first class mentality? Think twice. No, think thrice. I think most Malaysians have this "I don't care if you die" attitude.

If I saw a person stuck like I was, I would definitely lend a helping hand. I probably wouldn't have been able to do anything but at least I can give him/her some moral support.

Sigh...Malaysians, oh Malaysians. What have you become to?

2005-08-05T15:34:00.000Z

I finally got my graduation photos up. I don't think they are particularly nice. Somehow I feel like I lacked a very happy look. Hmmph. Nevermind. There is still another graduation in December 2006 to look forward to.

Me with my parents

Me and Vinz

Me

Me, Laura and Gary

Me, Cindy and Jillian

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been home 3 weeks and all I've been doing (other than going to KL for a week) is wake up at 11am, watch TV all day and night long and sleep at 11pm. Ohh...not to mention take silly photos such as this when my nephew and sister are around..hehe..

Don't my sister and I look alike?

Reverse Culture Shock?

2005-08-04T14:45:00.000Z

I'm a bad blogger. I've been away from the blogsphere for far too long. I've been...err...busy for the past few weeks?

I was in KL to get my visa done and it cost me a hefty RM 621 exclusive of service charge which is another RM 40 more. Oh well. That is the price to pay for an education overseas I guess.

I walked the available shopping malls in JB and I was appalled. What's wrong with the sales staff was my first question to my sister when we were browsing a shoe shop. Why are they like blocks of wood? Where is the boasted Malaysian hospitality? Maybe I'm too used to life in the UK where the sales staff are usually friendly and come with your shoe or piece of clothing promptly with a smile.

I met a friend yesterday at a McD outlet. I complained and complained about how slow things are in this country. I know its a shopping mall. I know people walk the tiled floors of shopping malls to relax from a hard week at work. But is it necessary to pause in the middle of the walk way and pretend not to notice another shopper behind you trying to get through the thick crowd? Sigh...

McD is supposed to be a fast food restaurant. Fast food. I expect FAST FOOD. The guy taking my order behind the counter took his own sweet time to get the fries, the drink and the burger. Those working there were sluggish and had the "I don't give a damn if you have to wait" look on their face. I remember when I was Form 3, I told a McD staff in JB...

"Ehhh...lain kali you mahu kerja di fast food restaurant, tolong cepat sikit boleh tak?"

No McD staff is slow in the UK. There are no inconsiderate shoppers hogging the whole walkway as though it belonged to them. No one fights for a pair of Nine West shoes on the first day of the Boxing Day sales. No sales girl stares into the void and takes your word as passing wind.

Something must be very wrong with us and we have to do something to correct this "tidak apa" attitude.

I related this to my mother and she said...

"What to do? This is our culture..."

Help! Am I suffering from reverse culture shock?

"To all Malaysians, welcome home."

2005-07-14T13:03:00.000Z

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go home for 2 months. Can't wait to get on the National Express bus to Heathrow airport and hop onto MH1 for my flight back to Malaysia! The best part of my flight is when the MAS cabin crew announce that we have arrived at KLIA. They always say this...

"To all visitors, welcome to Malaysia. To all Malaysians, welcome home."

Everytime they say that, I can't help but tear. You wouldn't know this feeling until you've been away from home for so long. It has been 10 months since I stepped foot on Malaysian soil and breathed in Malaysian air. I'm so looking forward to this short but definitely enjoyable break!

But then again...my heart is heavy. I will be leaving my fatty behind for 2 months. Hopefully when I come back, I would be able to persuade my parents to let me share a flat with him. If I can't, its ok. I'll still be able to see him anytime I want! :)

The Power of a Bitch

2005-07-12T12:02:00.000Z

I am not proud to be labelled one of the 3 bitches in KTJ but I think this honour has proven it's good use yesterday :P

I must have that bitchy look on my face and my actions have nearly drove the crazy housemate away. Best news I've heard yesterday night when Vinz said that C thinks that the both of them shouldn't move out together because he doesn't feel comfortable with me around. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Now Vinz thinks that I should continue irritating C and his sister. Not irritate as in tell them off or scold them. All he wants me to do is show my bitchy face and shut my trap whenever they talk to me. I'm more than obliged to do that :P

Yesterday, we went to view an apartment in the city. It was beautiful although it wasn't furnished. We waited for the agent for about 5 minutes and sister started scolding my fatty. She said...

"Why you so STUPID wan? Call her lahhh!"

I really wanted to shout back at her and give her a piece of my mind but Vinz held me back. He laughed it off instead. I know that is the right way but trust me, I was boiling with anger inside. I really wanted to rip her mouth apart and pour boiling hot oil down her bloody throat!

C is just considering to move out, it is not confirmed. The third housemate is also not comfortable to move in with C because of his financial status and irresponsible behaviour. I just hope that I drive him up the wall and get him to fire himself out of the house.

I'm such a meany but sometimes you have to do a little evil to do a greater good :P

Housemate Blues - Help Needed

2005-07-11T08:56:00.000Z

Being in a relationship has taught me many things. One of them is listening to the problems of my boyfriend and trying to offer solutions to it. Sometimes, all he wants is just a listening ear. But I can't help but worry about his problems once he lets off his burden on me. This is one problem that I cannot solve and I need some advice from all you bloggers out there.

It all started more than a month ago. He was to move out with his friend, C to an apartment in the city centre. It was a beautiful place but it costs GBP300 a month per person. It is a rather steep price for someone like C who doesn't have a stable job. Although C is qualified as an architect, he does not have the certificate to prove so because he did not pay his fees and the university rejected his right to graduate. He works as a part time waiter at the conference centre here. The job is seasonal. He holds a student visa which will expire sometime in October yet he does not have any plans to go back to where he comes from to renew it or get a real full time job in the UK so he can continue staying. Tell me people, don't you think staying with a housemate like this is going to be risky? I am not despising him because he doesn't have the cash sign plastered on his face. I am just concerned for my boyfriend. Who knows C will default on the rent? What will happen to Vinz?

All the hoo-hah happend and even Vinz's friends desuaded him to move out with C and also managed to pull C back to reality. Unfortunately, this didn't last for long. There are 2 rooms in the present place. One big and one small. Vinz originally stayed in the smaller one which costs GBP225 and the larger one costs GBP275. Once his old housemate moved out, Vinz took the bigger room and settled in nicely there. Then C came along and said that he wanted the large room. I was fuming mad because what is the difference of paying 300 and 275? If he indeed realised his funding problem, he should stay in the small room and pay lesser. Vinz let him have his way since C's mum and sister will be coming over for a holiday. On the record, Vinz and C and another friend are planning to move out to a 3 bed room apartment in September. So staying in this present place is just a temporary measure.

C and his sister who came from his home country for a visit moved in almost 2 weeks ago. One night while the 3 of them were preparing to cook dinner, Vinz said that he usually puts in the chicken, rice, some garlic, ginger, vegetables and sesame oil into the rice cooker to make chicken rice. That fucking C said...

"I'm WARNING YOU ahh..I don't eat these kinda food!!!"

That was blow number one.

Blow number two came when Vinz let C cook dinner. C scooped in half a tub of butter and fried it with mince beef, put 2 beef cubes and some sugar and he does not call that shit food. I understand that one man's medicine is another's poison but still...does it even make sense to use half a tub of butter?

Vinz then discussed with me saying that maybe C and him shouldn't move out. He cannot tahan his eating habits. He wears his slippers in the house and the kitchen. What sense does it make? The kitchen is sticky and oily. The hall is carpeted. Isn't it making the whole house dirty? Why doesn't he wear his bloody slippers in his own room if he thinks that his slippers are so clean?

Vinz wants me to move out with him but I told him that it is utterly impossible. I can't. My parents, although they have met him and approve of him, will not allow such things until I finish my studies at least.

I can't offer Vinz any solution. It hurts me to see him getting bullied and pushed around by his damn housemate. I can't stand the sight of him and his sister. C even had the cheek to tell Vinz that he can sense that I don't like him and I don't talk to him. Has he ever checked his own behaviour on why I don't like him? Yesterday I tried to be nice so I talked to his sister. I asked her a question and she gave me the WTF look and answered it unwillingly. Alright then, if she wants to give me the WTF look then I'll give it back to her!

Tell me what should Vinz do? He is unhappy to stay with C. He can't stay with me. He can't poach his friend who plans to move out together with them as it won't look good on him. The only solution I can give him is keep hoping that C does not pay the rent so it will be a valid reason to kick his ass off on the tarmac.

Argghhhh..this problem has been plaguing me for so long! Help!

Back from London in One Piece

2005-07-10T15:05:00.000Z

I am so very blessed that my family and I weren't at London when the blasts occured. I was at King's Cross station the day before that to take the train back to Nottingham. My parents were at Victoria Station, a stone's throw from the explosions. Thank you all for your concern :) We are all safe and are still in one piece.

Yesterday, there was a bomb scare at Birmingham. 20,000 people were evacuated from the city centre. My family and I were there the day before the scare. Thank God we decided not to stay a night at Birmingham. Even if there were no explosives found, I would have been totally freaked out if asked to evacuate.

The British are speculating now that the next bomb scare will be in Manchester. I hope and pray that none of these things happen anymore. Too many innocent lives have been killed by irresponsible people. At this very moment, they are still unsure those who are responsible for the attacks but I'm sure the British intelligence will be able to bring them to justice soon.

I personally feel, whatever the motives were for the attacks, these terrorists should not be allowed to kill innocent people. If they really have to kill to make their voices heard, then go kill those involved in policy makings and other key governmental decisions. If; just as PM Tony Blair said they killed in the name of religion, I think God wouldn't want and need so many matrys in heaven. Enough lives have been destroyed, enough violence has been committed. Its time for peace to return.

I watched the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" a month ago and I can't help agree with the statement made by the character played by Orlando Bloom. He told the Queen of Israel this...

"To your brother, Israel is here and here." (Here meaning the heart and the mind.)

What good is a piece of land when the people who make that land what it is and flourish is dead?

But then again, what do I know? I am just an ordinary civilian, walking on the streets of Nottingham and breathing in English air...

P.S. Graduation photos will be up as soon as I go back to Malaysia on Thursday.

Off to London...

2005-06-28T22:10:00.000Z

I'll be off to London tomorrow morning for a week. I can't wait to see my parents whom I've not seen for nearly one year. I hope to be taking some nice photos of London's tourist sights and post them up here when I'm back from my short trip.

Soon, I will be leaving University Park and moving to Jubilee Campus for my Master's year. I will definitely miss the beautiful lakeside, the ducks, geese and swans that adorn the lovely lake. I won't have the luxury of waking up 15 minutes before class starts and still get to class on time. My new accomodation is about a 8 minute walk away to campus and another 5 minute walk to where I have my classes. I'll be sharing the flat with 3 other girls on the top floor. I haven't shared flats with anyone before and I trust this will be an eye opening experience. If I turn out not to like sharing with them, for some reason, I will still have to continue and swallow whatever that happends between us. Sharing is a good learning process. Afterall, no man is an island.

I can't wait for my new life to begin yet it feels so daunting to begin a course which is totally unfamiliar to me. To start all over again, to make new friends, to adjust to the work load and to get used to the way things work in the Business School will not be an easy task; it will not be something which I can get accustomed to overnight. But I will endevour to do my utmost best.

I watched the Last Emperor yesterday night. It is such a good movie. The acting was superb and it brought to life the words that I have read about the fall of the Qing Dynasty. If society does not have a say in the things that I do, I will definitely want to pursue a course in Chinese History. Unfortunately, society is the invisible hand in all that we do. Like it or not and no matter how you try to psycho yourself by saying nothing can stop you from doing the things that you enjoy, society is still there whispering softly into your ears and silently moving you away from your dreams.

Take care bloggers! Will be back in a week (hopefully)...

I'll marry you when the time comes ok?"

2005-06-25T10:21:00.000Z

One more day is all I have with Vinz. He will be working on site tomorrow night till Wednesday early morning and I will be leaving for London to meet up with my parents on Wednesday. My train leaves at 11.30am. I'm already begining to miss him. We spent Saturday evening feeding the ducks, Saturday afternoon in the city centre eating Nandos chicken and him waiting for 30 minutes for me to get my manicure done. Today was spent lazing around at home, watching the movies that we downloaded and eating all the fruits we bought. I will really miss him so much when I go home in 2 weeks. Although I will be back in Nottingham on the 5th of July from London, we won't be able to be in each others' arms because my parents will be around and I will be staying with them at a hotel. It will be another 2 more months before he can wrap me in his arms again.

Yesterday, we brought up the topic of marriage. Not us getting married but just marriage in general. Suddenly, he said...

"I'll marry you when the time comes ok?"

I don't know whether I should be jumping for joy or should I just take his words as a passing wind.

But at that moment, I was happy. Very happy in fact. And whenever I think of him looking into my eyes and saying what he said earnestly, a smile appears on my face...... :)

The Impact of a University Education

2005-06-23T16:07:00.000Z

I am paid 6 pounds per hour for doing nothing but take people around the university and talk to them about the university in general and the law course. Excellent money for such little work :P

When I was talking to a few students and their parents about the course, I was reminded about myself. As I sat in the lecture room listening to a sample law lecture on European Union Law, I was reminded about how I used to doze off in that class or play "Snake" on my Nokia mobile. I still remember vividly my first ever law lecture. It was on contract and the lecturer gave out 2 bundles of notes for us to read. Thinking back now, it has been 3 years since that first law lecture. I've been through so many hours and sat through so many boring lectures. To walk that road again would be tortourous. It would simply be living hell. But in retrospect, as I told prospective students what I learnt from being a Nottingham Law student, I realised I told them the truth. Usually at such occasions, people tend to overstate things but not me. I told them every single detail of my life here. I shared with them the amount of stress I had to endure, how competitive it is to study here and etc. I shared with them how I learnt to think laterally and critically. These skills did not come overnight, instead it came gradually. When I was still sitting in that lecture room and struggling to finish up the tutorial questions, I never would have thought that I learnt so much other than the Law. But now, I am thankful that I chose this course and this university. It has taught me much more than academics. It has moulded me to be the individual I am today; someone who is independent enough yet willing to accept opinions and ideas from others.

When I shared my future with them today, they were surprised to learn that I do not want to pursue a career in law. To me, a degree is just a stepping stone to the working world. It gives you the extra edge to get the job that you desire. Even if I read law, it does not mean that I have to practice it. Law is narrow in a sense because it prevents you from pursuing a Master's in finance or accounting or economics but it does not close all doors to such career choices. You can read law yet be in the finance sector. Law is a versatile subject. Business revolves around the application of law. I don't see it as a waste of my law degree if I diversity into the commercial world. I see it as an advantage; a very positive and encouraging advantage.

Would I encourage people to read law?

I would only if that person has a very strong interest in law. Do not choose law if you do not have the requisite academic ability and the stamina to study long hours constantly. Do not choose law if your main reason is to earn big bucks at the end of the day. Read it because you are completely passionate about it. If you are not and you are not ready to put in the extra hours, forget it, law is not for the faint hearted.

Life Has Been Good...

2005-06-21T10:34:00.000Z

Life has been good lately. Although I've been complaining about being a "housewife" i.e. waiting for Vinz to come home while doing the housework, I actually am secretly enjoying it. The best part of my day is when I hear the key turning. I will jump out from my seat and greet him with open arms. He will be all smiles and he will give me a big kiss and say...

"Ohh babyyyy...I miss you so much today!"

On Sunday evening, we took a walk by the lakeside to feed the ducks some bread. We took a very cute photo of a squirrel eating pieces of bread off the ground.

Here's a photo of us holding hands in Rome. Vinz said...

"We'll hold hands forever ok?"

A Daughter's Tribute on Father's Day

2005-06-17T13:55:00.000Z

Father's Day is this coming Sunday. Since I came to UK, I've never celebrated Father's Day with my Papa. When I was at home, Father's Day was a quieter affair compared to Mother's Day. Somehow, the whole family seemed to think that Mummy is more important than Papa. But now I have realised that both are equally important and I love both of them equally. Each of them has sacrificed to give me and my sister the best of the best. We were schooled in the best, we dressed in the best, we ate the best food, we were driven in the best and we were given the best advice and the best love that parents can ever give their children.

My father is a typical China man. He does not reveal his feelings for his loved one. He never tells us his secrets and his past. But one day, I remember very clearly that he did. We were on the coach to KL from JB 3 years ago for the annual Tomb Sweeping Day. It was in the month of April and in another 5 months I was due to be bound for Nottingham. Suddenly, Papa opened up to me. He told me the reasons why he came to the UK to read law and he cautioned me not to make the same mistake that he did.

Many many years ago, when he was still a student at Methodist Boys School in KL, he met a pretty girl called Winnie. She came from a rich family but he did not. His father was a lab assistant in University Malaya and his mother was a washer woman. Life was hard back then. I once visited my father's old home at Salak Selatan. I never could have imagined my father staying in such harsh conditions if I did not see it with my own eyes. Anyway, Winnie was Papa's first love. She went to the UK after her Form 6 to pursue her tertiary education. Poor Papa did not have the finances so he enrolled to study Economics in UM. He told me that Rafidah Aziz, the current International Trade Minister was a visiting lecturer at his faculty. After one year and taking up Tamil (apparently during those days each student was supposed to take up a 2nd language), he decided that Economics was not for him.

His cousin on his mother's side gave him a one way ticket to London to read law. He had to fund himself by working part-time during non-schooling hours. When he arrived at London, it was autumn and for someone who has never been out of the country, the weather was bleak and cold. He took a little piece of paper out of his pocket written with the address of Winnie. He went to her apartment in central London to look for her and also to get a place to stay. Unfortunately, a white man answered the door and Winnie was behind him. At that very moment, he knew that he was on his own.

Papa worked at a cafe at Selfridges frying eggs and washing the toilet. He also worked as a Postboy during the Christmas season. He washed dishes in his hostel. He nibbled his fig rolls bit by bit because they were too expensive to be gobbled down at one go. During those days, there were no photocopy machines so he had to copy down by hand important cases. He could not afford to buy any books, so he borrowed all of them from friends and from the library. He missed home so much but never once did he shed a tear.

He graduated after he married my mother in a very simple affair. My mother who came from a wealthy family married a man with only the clothes on his back. That is what I call true love. Mummy told me that on their wedding day, she had to cook for their guests. That was how hard life was. There was no elaborate wedding dinner, no big diamond ring, just a simple gold wedding band to signify their union for life.

He strived so hard to be what he is today. Life is so much easier now for him and Mummy. They have gone through the worst and pledged not to let their children go through the same road as they did. Papa worked very hard to give us all a life of luxury. None of us has ever felt what it is like to be poor.

Papa may be stern and may be a strict displinarian but I know deep down inside him lies a heart of gold. He loves us all. He just does not know how to express himself. Papa and I have very little to talk about these days. I don't know what went wrong. Instead of talking on the phone with him, we now communicate through SMS or email. Every year I am home, I tell myself to open up and talk to Papa. He has a mountain of advice to give me. He has a wealth of experience to share. But every year, I fail to. We always end up arguing and I will shut myself up in the room. This year, I hope things will be different. This year, he will see his youngest daughter, his little dumpling donning the graduation robe and accepting the degree he accepted more than 30 years ago. I can't wait to see him being proud of me, proud of my achievement, proud of his dumpling who followed his foot steps in reading Law.

Papa, words cannot describe how much you mean to me and how much I love and respect you. I promise, I promise this year will be different. We will talk. We will laugh like we used to. We will share little secrets that Mummy does not know. We will go out and have our Bak Kut Teh. We will have walks in the garden. We strengthen our father/daughter relationship all over again :)

Happy Father's Day!

Happiness is...

2005-06-16T22:40:00.000Z

Happiness is being in the arms of the one I love...

Rome Day 2 & 3 - Travel Log

2005-06-16T14:24:00.000Z

Our second day in Rome was spent at the Vatican City. The Vatican City is the smallest country in the world and it is only 100 acres big. I wanted to send postcards from the Vatican post office but it closed the moment I stepped foot in it. So all I got was a photo of the Vatican post box which surprisingly was yellow instead of the conventional red.

Breakfast at our hotel was pretty good considering it was inclusive with the hotel bill. They served a whole range of Italian pastries and orange juice. I wanted to "ta pau" some pastries for our walking journey but decided not to. Too malu lahh..hehe..

Our journey to the Vatican City started off at 9.30am when we boarded our tour bus.

It looked ancient on the outside but it was modern on the inside.

St Peter's Basillica

Another photo of St Peter's

Can you see the window in the middle of this grand building? That is the Pope's window :)

St Peter's Square

Bernini designed this fountain at St Peter's square

Check out the queue leading to the Vatican City. We had to queue up for nearly 45 minutes to get through the check point. Each visitor has to go through a metal detector and our bags had to be electronically scanned. No passports were needed to enter the Vatican City.

The Swiss Guards. See one of the guard wagging his finger? He is telling tourists not to take any photos of him and his colleague. They do look funny don't they? They look like they are wearing pantheloons. However, they are the Pope's guards and are very highly trained. So, don't look down on them just because of their clown like uniform.

Inside the Basillica. It was huge inside. There were many paintings and chapels within the Basillica. It felt good to stand at the place where John Paul II was lying in state in April.

Here lies John Paul II. We couldn't get a close up because the guards shoo'ed us away.

The Basillica's dome. The highest church dome in the world. We paid 4 Euros to walk 320 steps to experience its grandeur. The climb up and down the stairs was a nerve wrecking experience for me. The sairs were very very narrow and the walls felt like they were going to fall down on us anytime. The air passage was small and it breathing was difficult. I could hear other tourists complaining that they are feeling dizzy. Once you make your ascend, it is impossible to turn back and walk down again. You just have to finish your climb. The climb up was well worth it because we got to see a spectacular view of the St Peter's square.

St Peter's square from the dome.

Rome's skyline from the dome.

The Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel was our last stop for the day. We spent about 3 hours in the Basillica including the queueing time to view the Pope's tomb and the climb up the dome. We nearly couldn't make it to the Sistine Chapel because the last entrance was at 3.45pm. We were there are 3pm.

The walk up the Sistine Chapel. Words cannot describe the beauty of it.

One of the many painted and decorated ceilings in the chapel. Each of the paintings looked 3D to me but it was actually only 2D. That is how good the artists were then.

Mosaic flooring of the Chapel

Sculpture of a naked man

The famous Michaelangelo ceiling which depicts the story of Adam and Eve. Photos were not allowed in that particular area but we managed to snap a few anyway by facing the camera upwards at our knees. This was the place where the Cardinals gathered together for a conclave to elect the present Pope Benedict.

Via del Corso

We finished viewing the Sistine Chapel at around 5pm partly because we were chased out by the Vatican officials. It was their closing time. After that we took a taxi to Via del Corso, famed as the 5th Avenue of Rome for some shopping. I stepped into Prada wanting to purchase a bag pack for my sister which she requested but the model that she wanted wasn't there. There were no price tags on the display items.

DAY 3

Our third and final day in Rome was spent seperately. Vinz and I joined Choy, York, Jinn and Clare to do the Mouth of Truth before going seperate ways.

The Mouth of Truth. Legend has it that when if you are asked a question and you put your hand inside the mouth of sculpture and you tell a lie, it will eat your hand up. I asked Vinz...
"Baby..do you love me?" and he answered yes. His hand is still intact :)

After the Mouth of Truth we went back to Via del Corso for some shopping. I bought a pair of jeans from United Colours of Benetton, a small purse and a piece of sexy lingerie.

It felt good to be back to UK. Everything seemed orderly and the weather was cool. I don't miss Rome as such partly because of the weather and partly because everything was just too ancient for my liking.

I am waiting for another batch of photos from Phillip. He brought his digital SLR with lense as long as a papparazzi's. So...wait up for more photos!

Rome Day 1 - Travel Log

2005-06-15T20:42:00.000Z

Rome was beautiful. It was very historical. Almost every corner of the city had some ruins and relics of ancient Rome. We stayed in a 2 and a half star hotel right in the city centre. It was expensive by my standards but I am thankful that we chose it because Rome was stiffling hot. Without the air-conditioning which hostels do not have, we would have been sweating like pigs on a hot hot summers day.

Our flight to Rome was uneventful but we did have to run on the tarmac of the East Midlands Airport because we couldn't find the boarding gate and thus were very late to board the plane. It was my first time on Ryanair and I was unimpressed by the interior of the aircraft. It had bright yellow headboards and dark blue PVC seats. It reminded me of a taxi.

We arrived about 30 minutes early and waited to board our shuttle bus to Rome's Termini Station i.e. the central bus/train station something like London's King's Cross.

It took about 30 minutes to reach the city centre and about a 10 minute walk to the hotel. We checked in and went out to get something to eat. Eateries in Rome close at 2am. It was close 1am when we scouted around for food. I didn't eat anything because I wasn't feeling very well because of the flight and the bus ride. The rest ate pastries and pizzas. Food in Rome is much more expensive than the European cities that I have been to i.e Prague, Barcelona and Amsterdam.

There were 9 of us. So, to me, it was a little bit crowded. But nonetheless, I travelled with people I hardly know (they were all Vinz's friends) and had my share of fun. They cracked a lot of silly jokes and named our group as the "Chee group" because Vinz was the one did all the bookings.

DAY 1

We took a tour bus which takes passengers around the city and stops at major sights. We paid 16 Euros for that and luckily the ticket was valid for 24 hours because we only sat on the bus once on the 1st day to the Colosseum. On the map it was impossible to walk from one major sight to another but we did anyway on the first day because we still had the energy to.

Streets of Rome from the bus window

There are no lines on the roads in Rome. Traffic comes from everywhere. We nearly got knocked down many times because we didn't know where the cars, scooters and buses were coming from.

Capitoline Hill from the bus window

Entrance to the Colosseum

Me and Vinz at the entrance to the Colosseum

Colosseum - some Roman stadium where the Gladiators used to fight it out

The interior of the Colosseum

Men dressed up as Roman soldiers

Roman Forum

Roman Forum

The boys - Choy, Vinz, Jinn Yeong, York Wei, Joe and Phillip (L-R)

Capitoline Hill - See the horse behind us. It's belly can fit 20 people.

Capitoline Hill

Next to the Capitoline Hill stands an old Church which is famous for weddings. The steps are so narrow and it is reputed to be meant for relatives of the bride and groom who they don't like but are obliged to invite.

The girls - Winkie, Me and Clare

Bernini's famous elephant supports the Egyptian obelisk in Piazza della Minerva

The Pantheon - a completely circular church where Rapheal the famous artist was buried

The dome in the Pantheon - the only source of light

Inside the Pantheon

The famous Spanish Steps. We never got to climb it because it was just too crowded and way too hot to.

Spanish Steps with Vinz

Sign pointing to the Trevi Fountain with York

Trevi Fountain - Throw a coin in with your back facing the fountain and you will come back to Rome again

Check out the crowd at the Trevi Fountain

Trevi Fountain again

Trevi Fountain illuminated

That was all we saw on the first day in Rome. We were dead tired by the time we finished eating dinner. It was truly a long walk from the Spanish Steps to our hotel. My legs nearly gave way so many times but I had Vinz with me so it wasn't so bad :)

Next up - Day 2

I'm off to Rome!

2005-06-10T17:44:00.000Z

First time in my entire life, I went on all fours to wipe the kitchen floor clean. Its sparkling now. No more sticky, no more black and greasy. Waiting for Vinz to come back and see his surprised face!! :)

I'm off to Rome tomorrow till Tuesday!!

I'm going to stuff myself with pasta and all things Italian.

I'm going to visit the Vatican City.

I'm going shopping with my Law School Award money :P

Hehhehehe...

Proud to be a Law Graduate!

2005-06-09T10:44:00.000Z

Hard work really pays off. Constant prayers too. I thank God for bestowing upon me wonderful parents who were and are still very very supportive of my whines, cries and plans. Without their support...my 2.1 will be impossible. I also thank God for giving me Vinz. Without him being constantly by my side during the most crucial period of my life, I wouldn't have gone through it. Come to think of it, I can't remember how many of his t-shirts were soaked with my salty tears.

I ran to the results board yesterday and I checked the 2.2 list first. Hehe. I didn't see my name there so I scrolled down to the 3rd class list. Phew. Not there either. I looked at the 2.1 list and I smiled so broadly and one tear rolled down my left cheek. The feeling is even better than the day I received my A-Level results because I worked really really hard for this degree. I don't think I worked so hard before. For 3 years, I have been waiting for this triumphant moment.

Got my Master's application sorted out. Paid the deposits for the course and the accomodation. Now, they can't reject me anymore! Hehehe...

I said this before in my previous post that I regret reading law. I still do, really I do. But I must say reading law has taught me to think before I speak and think as I speak. I realise now that I think faster and read faster than before. I can now skim through unimportant parts of a tenancy agreement and point out the important parts even without that particular clause being highlighted. I am much more aware of law related issues. In fact, I am now aware that our daily lives revovles around the application of law. I may not be able to resolve legal problems like a true blue lawyer but I can give my opinion. I can make full use of my knowledge of Corporate law when I start to work hopefully in 2 years time.

Can't wait for my Master's to start. I'm so looking forward to start my life as a Postgraduate. Now I can safely and proudly say that I am Law graduate; that I truly hold a Law degree :)

P.S. Today will be the last day I'll be blogging in my room here in Hugh Stu. I will miss N 11. Been here for 2 years. The desk still has marks of my carelessness. The carpet still has scars of my silliness. From tomorrow onwards, I will blogging from Vinz's place in Dunkirk.

Goodbye N 11. You have been a good companion.

Bangunlah Wahai JPAku!

2005-06-08T14:54:00.000Z

It happend again. Must be the Nth time I read about Top SPM scorers not geting scholarships from the Public Service Department of Malaysia.

Poor fella. All he got for working his ass off for his SPM exams was just a hand-shake withe the PM, a certificate and a souvenier. Oh..wait a minute. He got a free lunch too.

I would think the reason why he applied for the PSD scholarship is because his parents cannot afford to send him to medical school. And I would think that the PSD would use this critieria together with the fact that this boy is an academic achiever and possesses a string of extra-curricular activities under his belt as well. Unfortunately, I don't know what made PSD reject their offer.

Suddenly, I am reminded of what Orked's mum told Kak Yam in Sepet...

"Orked, 5 A pun dapat scholarship."

"Alhamdullilah..."

"Allhamdullilah..."

"Jason...7 A..."

I got this nagging feeling inside me. The PSD uses a computer system to randomly choose the recipients of scholarships; just like how the computer system chooses 17 year olds for Khidmat Negara.

And I also have another nagging feeling. This boy will get a scholarship from Singapore; our very generous neighbour who loves to poach our country's talent. Can't blame him for accepting it. In Mandarin we say...

"Dong jia bu da, da xi jia" - If you can't get it from the east, get it from the west.

Tsk tsk tsk...Bangunlah wahai JPAku!

I Need to be more Diplomatic

2005-06-06T18:45:00.000Z

I need to exercise some diplomacy. There is something very wrong with my communication skills. I need to be taught how to speak in a way which does not give people the impression that I hate them or have something against them; even if I really do deep down inside.

I need a lesson on human relations. I need to go for class which teaches me how to control my anger and not to reveal my innermost emotions when it is not appropriate to do so.

When I shut up and not speak, I am wrong. When I open my mouth to talk and the tone is not right, I am wrong too. So what should I do?

I really need to learn to butt out when there are warning signs telling me to butt out. I need to mind my own business and live in my own little hole-in-the-wall.

I make a very bad partner. If everyone is against my partner, I should be the one for him. If there is a decision that he has made, I should be the one who supports it. If everyone is says no, I should be the only one who says yes. I am a lousy partner. I give opinions but all one sided. I assume too much. I ought to be shot.

In the end, I am the devil. I am the evil one, the one who spoke when she was not supposed to. I am the one who put my foot where it did not belong.

I need to go for some anger manangement, partner management and relationship course. Any recommendations?

Sepet - A Dissection

2005-06-02T16:33:00.000Z

"Apa lu orang Singapore tau? Har? Melalak-melalak macam tu. Macam orang utan!"

One of the most memorable phrases in the movie Sepet. I watched it 2 months ago, courtesy of mum posting the VCD (not the pirated one) all the way from Johor Bahru. I absolutely adored the show and I only have one thing to say about this movie - If this movie was made to show the world Malaysia as a multiracial country who has minor racial discontent amongst the people, why did Yasmin Ahmad leave out the Indians? The only reference to Indians (or an Indian) was the quote by Rabindranath Tagore at the end of the movie and also the poem read out in Chinese by Jason to his mother at the opening.

Other than that, Sepet is one movie that I will never get fed up of watching.

"Wahh...so fair ahhh. Some more the nose also so sharp. But sorry to say ahh..the eyes ahh..a bit the Sepet."

Don't deny that people. I'm sure you have made this reference before. I have and I'm not proud of it but at least I admit it.

"Who cares if that someone likes the other someone because of their race? It's when they hate them, that's the problem."

Oh yes, Orked. You're so damn right.

"Don't stereotype people like that. There's a lot of people here. I mean, like...not every Chinaman is a cheat right and not every Malay is lazy."

That's true too. Sadly, Malaysians like to stereotype. The Chinese to the non-Chinese are cheats and maid abusers. The Malays to non-Malays are lazy and child rapists. The Indians to non-Indians are toddy drinking wife bashers. It's so untrue. Just because you read in the papers about a Chinese woman who abused her maid by burning her nipples does not mean that every Chinese woman walking on the street is capable of such inhuman treatment. Think people. Think.

"I read somewhere ahh..Hundreds of years ago, the Emperor of China decided to give his daughter to the Sultan of Malacca. Sultan's name was Sultan Mansur Shah and the Emperor's daughter's name was Hang Li Po. So Hang Li Po arrived, arrived in a ship lah; escorted by about 500 young Chinese men lah, I read. And the when Hang Li Po got married, the rest of the 500 men just roamed around Malacca with nothing to do. No girlfriend, no wife. Some more I read ah, that time got a lot of hot Malay chick bathing by the river wan you know, wearing only wet sarongs. Those fuckers hamsap lahh. That's how the Peranakan people came about lah."

Jason got this from a menu in a Nyonya restaurant in Malacca. The truth is, according to this website is this: The Babas are descendants of an early Chinese community that settled in the Malay archipelago at least since the 17th century. Many members of the early community were seafarers who traded between the ports of southern China and those of Southeast Asia. The oldest Chinese communities can be found in Malacca. As Chinese women were by law not allowed to leave their native country until the middle of the 19th century, many of these early traders married non-Muslim natives of the Malay archipelago, such as Balinese or Batak slaves.

"Cho mi ahh, ji pa ni jeng ahh, ah ni eng ahh? Huan nah ga nang Chinese, ai marry dio marry nia lor. Bo ha mi su. Now supposed to be more civilised but then fighting all over."

(Why is, hundreds of years ago it's so easy. When the Malays want to marry our Chinese people, they just get married. No problems...")

"People think too much. People act crazy in groups lah I think."

How true. People act crazy in groups. But people act generously and for good causes in groups too. Who would listen to one man? Who would follow just one man's waving hand? Knowing the power of a group, the leader should act moderately. The leader should impose his thoughts on his members, but only thoughts which are not too radical. The recent suggestion of an MP saying that Malaysia Airlines' baju kebaya is too revealing that it provokes a man's sexual desire is one which is too radical. That is one thought which should not be spread amongst the masses less it becomes a parody in the international scene.

Yasmin, you did a good job. I'm awed at how subtlely you put the life of Malaysia in such a heart warming romantic movie. Maybe your next movie will involve a bigger racial mix?

"Wait till you become a parent one day, then only you'll know how difficult it is!"

2005-06-02T11:10:00.000Z

"Wait till you become a parent one day, then only you'll know how difficult it is!"

My mum always says that when I misbehave or don't understand why she made me do this and that. My parents were very strict with me and my sister when we were younger. We never took the public bus or the school bus to school. We've always been chauffered driven everywhere, even to the kedai runcit less than 10 minutes walk away from our house. I never understood why we needed Uncle Dol. Other mothers drove their children and they turned out ok. Other fathers know their kids tuition time table and they turned out ok. Why did my family need an outsider to attend to our every need?

I hated it.

I had piano lessons, Mandarin classes, art classes and tuition when I hit the age of 4. My dad never knew my timetable; he didn't even know the fees for each class I attended. I remember I had to wait for more than an hour for him to come pick me up from my Mandarin tuition class in the evening (the driver worked only till 5pm). I was so used to waiting for him so was my teacher. When he came, I wasn't excited to see him; unlike my other friends when they saw their mum or dad in the car. To me, it was another boring 15 minute journey home with my dad saying...

"How was Mandarin today?"

And me answering..

"Fine."

When I was in Secondary school, I wanted to follow my friends to take the public bus to the tuition centre after school. They seemed to be having fun, going for tuition together and eating at the food court near the centre. My friends envied me instead. Having a driver to wait for me in front of the school gate everyday, rain or shine without fail. But I envied them even more. They had the freedom but I didn't. They had wings, I had them too but mine were clipped.

So, one day...

"Uncle Dol, saya mahu naik bas dengan kawan saya. You tunggu saya di tempat tuition. Kalau you mahu, you ikut belakang bas lah. Ok? Jangan cakap bapa ok? Tak boleh cakap tau?"

And so I took the bus twice. I didn't like it at all. So crowded, so stuffy, so hot and it made me sick.

Now I know why my parents never allowed me to take the bus because they know that I will not be able to withstand such a rough environment. I was spoilt. Spoilt rotten by them.

I wanted my friends to be around me all the time so I invited them to ride the car with me and we went for tuition classes together, ate together and went home together without taking the public bus. I gained my friendship and they gained the comfort of a car.

I'm not complaining. I know I should be grateful and appreciative of all the good things my parents gave me. I am thankful for being so fortunate. And now I finally understand why they did what they did. They did that to protect me. The means to achieve the end may not be the most preferable one for me but it worked out anyway. I turned out ok. I'm still able to survive on my own in this foreign land. I can take public transport by myself without getting lost.

Will I treat my children the same way my parents did to me and my sister?

I always tell my mum...

"Ma..I will never ever do what you did to me when I was small."

And she'll say...

"Ok lor...we'll see ah...we'll see. When you become a mother then we'll see..."

"You're Chinese and you're from Malaysia? How is that possible?"

2005-06-01T00:33:00.000Z

Being in a foreign country for the past 3 years, I have experienced many things and endured many questions. One of questions that I am always asked is...

"You're Chinese and you're from Malaysia? How is that possible?"

I draw a deep breath and my brain starts working. I start blabbering like a tourist guide telling my charges the various ethnic groups in Malaysia. I tell them we are a multiracial, multireligion country which strives on diversity yet we are connected in so many ways culturally. Sometimes I get carried away and start telling my foreign friends about the Kadazans, Ibans and Bajaus. This confuses them even more. So now I have resorted to limiting our nation's racial make up to just the Chinese, Indians and Malays.

I tell them that the Malays are the largest racial community in our country. They are the indigenious people. They speak Malay, a language probably only understood in Malaysia and Indonesia and their skin colour is generally brown. The Malays are the main rulers of our country as they hold top positions in the government. However, this does not mean the Chinese and Indians are side-lined. They too, hold various decision making roles and all of us live in peace and harmony.

Everyone is entitled to have their own religious worship and belief. There are places of worship like the mosque, the church, the Buddhist/Toaist temple and the Hindu temple. We are given public holidays for every major religious or racial festival. We eat the food of each race. We grow to like them. We adapt. And best of all we tolerate each other's short comings.

We live and let live.

All of us are entitled to speak our mother tongue and we have schools which cater solely for one language i.e. the Chinese and Tamil schools. Some parents from other races do send their children to vernacular schools so that they can mingle and learn another language.

Once I'm done with my story, the foreigners are usually amazed and they will normally say...

"Wow...you guys actually live in harmony?"

Oh yes, we do ang moh. And I always give a sarcastic smile...

Impian Mahligai

2005-05-31T22:41:00.000Z

Aku hendak membina sebuah mahligai yang indah, jauh dari kekacauan bandar. Aku hendak membina mahligai ini dan memulakan hidup baru bersama buah hatiku. Tetapi, aku takut. Aku gentar apabila memikirkan soalan yang tiada jawapan. Aku takut untuk fikir tentang masa depan dengannya kerana setiap kali aku memberi fikiranku melayar ke suatu tempat yang jauh, ia tidak akan terjadi. Setiap fikiranku pasti berkecai. Setiap mimpiku pasti tidak tercapai.

Mengapakah aku rasa begitu?

Mengapakah aku begitu negatif?

Aku mesti membina mahligai itu. Aku mesti merealisasikan impianku.

Tetapi...hanya aku sahaja yang mimpi. Aku sahaja yang tepuk sebelah tangan.

Adakah buah hatiku berkongsi impian yang sama?

Aku hanya boleh harap......

From the Outside Looking In...

2005-05-31T18:36:00.000Z

The neighbour was a dilapidated kampung shed whose inhabitants hailed from north of the sea. It was on a land without natural resources yet with right dose of autocratic leadership, it rose to become one of the neighbourhood's richest and wealthiest household. Everything was in place once it divorced itself from the chains of the so-called less intelligent landlord. Education was the neighbour's first priority. It instilled in them how their father fought for their independence from the "nasty" landlord. But it failed to remind them of their cultural connections with him. Not until recently, did the father realise that his well applauded autocratic style has crumbled and is no longer as effective.

His children have become walking robots. They likened themselves to living in a zoo. A zoo is a artificially created habitat for animals to roam free as they like yet they are under the clutches of the zoo keepers. They are always under constant surveilance less they end up in some mischief or go against the neighbour's code of conduct. Anything which did not go with the ways and thinkings of the father was frowned upon.

A child who happend to be visiting the neighbour drew pictures on the neighbour's wall. What he drew was ugly to the assistants of the father but to those outside the fence of that household, it was art. He was right to be reprimanded for his insolence but to be caned by the father's men was just outright wrong.

Young adults living in the household attended classes designed to keep their minds on academic excellence and for those who excel, they are then chosen to be the father's right-hand men and women. They were good students; always hardworking yet they lacked certain qualities. They possessed abilities which their peers outside their little circle did not have. They could jot down notes verbatim; even the opening speech and little joke their teacher made before the formal lecture began. They never questioned their surroundings. Instead, they just ate the food that was fed to them and excreated it when the time called for it.

The neighbour like any other household disliked to hang their dirty laundry for the neighbourhood to see. They hid their soiled linen carefully in their backyard. The household was crumbling economy wise yet the father's assistants did not allow such bad news to be told to the children of the household.

But the children are no fools. They are observing creatures who have a mind of their own but they never exercise that right for the fear of the father. They talk amongst themselves about the failings of the household.

As I peered through a whole in the fence, this is what I see. But who am I to judge how the neighbour lives and handles its internal affairs when my own household is equally as chaotic. My household is also filled with skeletons in closets that are craftilly stuffed in by my father's able assistants.

Who am I to judge?

Who am I to compare?

Star Wars and Espradilles

2005-05-30T01:18:00.000Z

I love weekends. I love weekends when I don't have to rush back to study or have that nagging feeling inside me telling me that I'm wasting precious minutes by strolling the streets of Nottingham City.

I had such a lovely weekend. It started off on Saturday morning where the both of us woke up at 11am but lazed in bed till almost 1pm! We got up because we heard each other's stomach making hungry noises. We quickly got changed and then took the bus to the city. The weather was just nice. It wasn't as hot as it was on Friday. The wind blew lightly and the sun was up as well. The City played host to a French Fair which was very colourful and had temptingly delicious macaroons! But we didn't stop for any. Instead we headed straight to UGC - the Cinema.

We bought tickets for the night show of Star Wars. I haven't watched a single Star Wars before but Vinz dragged me along. He has been bugging me to watch it with him since the movie came out. He told me the whole story while we were having dinner at Nandos. I nodded and tried to comprehend. Surprisingly, I did. I understood the whole picture and was very eager to watch the movie at 8.15pm.

Ok..back to Saturday afternoon. We had lunch at KFC (another one of Vinz's idea). I never liked KFC but to entertain my boyfriend (afterall, he had such a long week), I agreed. I must say that KFC in UK is a far cry from the KFC back home. There is something not right about it. The batter isn't as crispy as the one in Malaysia. Oh well...

After lunch, we headed straight to Victoria Centre. I was desperately looking for a pair of sandals/slippers/espradilles. I always had the Kenneth Cole slipper in my mind but it costs 55pounds. I would have bought it if it weren't the end of the year and I didn't have to go to Rome in 2 weeks. Clarks had Ah-Ma kinda shoes but I must say they were comfortable. Faith had funky shoes which were hard and not nice to walk with. Qube's shop was just too bright and gave me and Vinz a headache.

I was adamant to get a pair of espradilles. I bumped into Jean at Faith and she told me that she saw a few nice ones at NEXT. I was about to head to NEXT but I decided, why not try House of Fraser. Who knows my Kenneth Cole is on sale?

It really was!! From 55 to 41pounds!! Wooohoo! At that moment, Vinz had something to say...

"You want to buy Made in China?"

I flipped the slipper over and true enough..it was made in China. Shit. I'm paying over RM300 for pair of Kenneth Cole which is made in China? No wayyyyyyyyy...

I walked around the shoe section and found this really pretty pair of espradilles. It was by Nine West, the Australian brand. My mouth was watering already at that moment. I didn't even bother to look at the price. All I knew was I put it on and refused to take it off. I paid for it at the cashier and wore my new pink espradilles the whole day!! :)

Shoes. You can never have too many of them. Bags too. I got one from Zara on the same day!

Star Wars?

I thought the fighting scenes were quite nice. Yoda was cute. I especially liked R2D2. But I didn't like the ending. It was too abrupt. It felt like George Lucas stuffed everything towards the end to make it link with the next Star Wars. Not good. But I liked all of Natalie Portman's hair do's though.

On Sunday morning, I dragged Vinz out of bed at 9am to go to church. He didn't complain and I was so proud of him that he actually made it! For the past week he has been sharing with me all his worries and problems and guess what? The Pastor read out a passage from the bible...

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

It couldn't have come at a better time. God certainly has His own way of reassuring us that He is for us and not against us :)

Ahhh...what a wonderful weekend!

Vinz has to work today although its a Bank Holiday and I have to clear up my room and start packing. I'm getting sentimental about leaving my room but I guess one has to move on to progress...

Farewell and Rest in Peace...

2005-05-27T15:31:00.000Z

I am overwhelmed by sadness.

What a year this has been!

My uncle (my mum's cousin's husband) just passed away of a heart attack in Sydney early this morning Australian time.

Uncle Bob Lim - we used to call him that because my dad is the other Uncle Bob at home. I must have only met him a few times in my life because they migrated to Sydney when I was a little girl. The last time we met was in 1998 during my sister's graduation. We stayed at their place and we had lots of fun together. He is a complainer (no offence to him). He likes to make crude and rude jokes about his wife's family. Don't know what he has against that family but everyone is so used to it that we never take his remarks seriously. In fact, none of us ever took Uncle Bob Lim seriously. He was the funny man. The man who would put a smile on your face whenever you are down.

He spoke Hokkien and hated the Aussies. He wanted to come back to Malaysia but he thought of his children's education most of all. He worked in a University in Sydney and both his son, Chong was especially close to him. He took Chong to various tennis tournaments and made him a little Michael Chang. Chong was the one who discovered his beloved father lying dead on the sofa at 3am in the TV room of the house. Poor Uncle Bob, he must have suffered during the last moments of his life and he never said goodbye.

The first time I remember meeting Uncle Bob was way back in 1995. He took a few days leave to bring me and my family up to the Blue Mountains. I remember him telling us that...

"Don't worry. It's just 2 hours away from my house."

But it took us 5 hours.

I remember my mum and dad being so tired because of the journey that they didn't want to go see the 3 Sister's (some famous carving of the mountain if I remember right). I hiked up with Uncle Bob and both of us enjoyed ourselves even though it was bitterly cold.

Uncle Bob called "Pizza" with a terrible Hokkien slang. He called it "Pi-Sai" meaning nose shit.

There is this particular Australian desert, something like a brownie but not quite. He called it "Aussie Cake" with the "Aussie" sounding like shitting in Cantonese.

He had high blood pressure and diabetes while he was alive. But he never really bothered with his diet. He always said...

"Aiya...beh hiao kin lah. Si mah si lor"

(Aiya...its oklah. Die, die lah.)

I am deeply saddened. I remember him as a tall and lean man always in a sweater and a collared shirt inside. He always asked us to visit him in Australia but we never did after my sister graduated in '99. He was to come back to Malaysia this July for a holiday with his family but he never made it.

This August, instead of going for a family trip to Pangkor or Hong Kong, my parents have decided that we should go to Sydney to visit Auntie Judy, Chong and Wei-Wei (who incidentally is my god-sister).

Why is it on good days, we don't go to Sydney to pay them a visit and say hello?

Why do we only go now when all is too late for Uncle Bob?

Everytime someone close to us dies, we say...

"We must make an effort to visit so-and-so before it's too late like now."

But we never do.

Uncle Bob Lim, we may not have met many times, but I remember you and your "pi-sai" and "aussie cake" and our hike to see the 3 Sisters and oh..how could I forget about the Roald Dahl books you bought for me when I was in Sydney back in '95.

My sister is more grieve stricken than anyone else at home. Basically, all my cousins who are of the same age as her are very very upset. All of them studied in Australia and Uncle Bob was their father for 4 years. And now he is gone.

Goodbye Uncle Bob Lim and Rest in Peace.

To All Housewives, I salute You

2005-05-27T14:04:00.000Z

It's not fun being a housewife.

I've been on holiday since Tuesday at 12pm. I have baked, cleaned and cooked. I've fold clothes, hanged them and dumped them into the machine. And in between, I've read about Coca-Cola's reputation management and how Pepsi picked itself up when on the verge of bankruptcy.

I now am really amazed at how my mother can stay at home for the past 30 years; cleaning, cooking, washing, reading newspapers and cutting out articles of relevance, watching tv and yet still has the time to listen to her husband's day at work and children's daily complaint of how much homework they have; without a single grumble.

Housewives are great people indeed.

Today, I helped Vinz fold his clothes. After that I cleared the house. I was about to clear the thrash and I realised that...

"Eeeyer...I don't even clear my own thrash. He can clear it himself when he comes back."

I'm thinking of what to cook for dinner tonight. I should go to Kuali.com to check out some recipes.

I think I'm more tired now than the time when I was preparing and sitting for my exams.

Being a housewife is not an easy job at all.

My legs ache.

My hands hurt.

My back feels weird.

For the past 3 nights, I sleep the moment I put my head on my pillow at 11pm.

To all housewives, I salute you.

And so for now, I shall leave all the heavy lifting to you great women out there and I shall just go backstage to continue being nerdy me...

:)

When The Odds Are Against Me

2005-05-26T17:08:00.000Z

I don't think I can make it. Sigh. But it's not the end of the world. I can still do the course but not Mangerial Economics.

I went to the Business Library in Jubilee Campus today. I looked high low for it and I finally found it. It is at the far end of Jubilee and it is not at the Djanogly Learning & Resource Centre I thought it was at. Oh well.

Sometimes you don't know what you are missing until you actually lose it. Hallward Library, the one that I've been frequenting for the past 3 years is undoubtedly the best library in the University. The Business Library is a far cry for Hallward. It is small. Very small. Compared to Hallward, the BL is just as big as HL's study area. Yup. That small. Tiny little place with probably 1/10th of the books in HL. The library is like a freaking sauna too. I had this strange feeling that they forgot to switch off the heating.

Anyway, I read up on Managerial Economics and was shocked beyond words. I didn't know that it'll involve calculus; something which I totally hate.

I had to re-programme my head from word based to alphabet based.

TC = (TFC+TVC)/Q

Sigh.

Not my kind of subject at all.

Then I read up on Business Ethics and Corporate Strategy. Phew. Thank God I could understand them. They weren't easy but they were word based. None of the pages had DD's or SS's or VC' or AC's or MC's or TC's.

So the verdict is...I can study the MA in CSR but I can't take the Managerial Economics module. This means I can't take Corporate Governance in the second semester. Any lost? No lost. I probably am able to comprehend Managerial Economics if I go for class and I devote all my time and energy into understanding what those alphabets and curves mean and signify. But, I am afterall doing a course in Corporate Social Responsibility and not Economics. I rather leave the Economics to the Economists and not dwell on something which I know I can't cope with.

Borrowed a few books to read on Business Ethics. They will be my companion throughout this whole month. People think I'm crazy. I just finished my final exams and now I'm studying again. But I beg to differ. I'm not crazy. I want to keep the studying momentum up. Don't want to slow down because once I do, I know I will take a million years to get back to my optimum pace.

Besides, I am so free. Other than baking and cooking, what else can I do?

Study lor.

Why Law, Why England - Part 1

2005-05-24T16:52:00.000Z

Why did I choose England? Why did I choose law?

I think its best if I answer the latter first.

I had a tough time deciding between Law and Economics. I excelled in Econs during my A-Levels. I simply loved the concept of demand and supply and Macroeconomics. I enjoyed studying about fiscal policies and different economic systems in the world.

I asked my dad one day...

"Pa...if I study economics good or not?"

"Not good. What for you study economics. You are neither a business person nor a professional nor an academic. No good. Study something else. But if you really want to, then go ahead. I will support your decision."

That's the beauty of my dad. He tells you NO. You can't do this, you can't do that. But he will support you if you want to do it provided you do it wholeheartedly. I was confused.

I always had Law at the back of my head. I regarded Law as my back-up plan in the event that I don't know what else to study at tertiary level. I followed my dad and his partners to court since I was in Secondary school. I read cases and a multitude of law related publications that were lying around the office. I was interested but that interest wasn't as deep as the one I had for the business world.

My mum gets company prospectuses all the time. Each share she subcribes to, she gets a thick book. It will be lying idly on the coffee table and me, being an avid reader will pick up whatever reading material I can lay my hands on. I read them cover to cover. Interesting! So this is how the company spends their money. So this is how the company creates a positive image to the outside world.

Then came the time when I had to fill in the UCAS form. It is a form that must be filled for those who want to pursue tertiary education in the UK. KTJ, the college that I was from, geared all of us up for England. We were drilled to accept England for the next 3 years of our lives. No other country in the world was worthy of KTJ students. That was what we were lead to think and believe.

The UCAS process was torturous. I had to choose 6 universities and write a personal statement on why I want to study the subject that I applied for. Only one personal statement for all the 6 I choose. I left out Oxbridge although I was persuaded by the Sixth Form Head teacher to do apply because I had the requisite academic and non-academic ability. I forgot why I declined to but I think it was because I didn't see a need to study in a place where the name is famous and the pressure is triple that of any other.

I chose LSE, King's College, Queen Mary, Southampton, Sheffield and of course Nottingham.

The next thing I needed to do after choosing the famous 6 was to get down to writing that darn personal statement. I wanted to study economics in LSE. I wanted to read law in King's and Nottingham. The remaining 4 were just to fill in the blanks. I didn't know how to write the reasons why I am divided on studying Law here and Economics there. I didn't know how to weigh the pros and cons. I was lost.

I tossed a coin.

I had to make a decision and I had to make one fast. So I decided on law. Why?

- No job, can work for daddy
- Don't understand, can ask daddy
- Need books and materials, can get from daddy

Stupid reason.

In the end, I got offers from all 6 univerisities that I applied for.

Then I had the difficulty of choosing between LSE, Nottingham and King's.

I tossed a coin again.

I chose Nottingham because it has the 2nd largest Malaysian student community in the UK. I thought that since I will be away from home for 3 long years, it will be good to start off with people who come from the same country and same culture as I do. Besides, London was just way too expensive. Nottingham's fees was 3000pounds cheaper than London's.

And so, it was Nottingham and England here I come.

Nottingham is one place I never regretted coming to. But Law is one subject that I regretted reading.

More on the reasons later...

I Am Shrinking!

2005-05-23T11:50:00.000Z

3 down, ONE MORE to go!

How was the 3rd? Well..I would say compared to the 1st two, the 3rd was a disappointment. But, consolation is...I didn't have that bad feeling I had after my Criminal Law paper last year. I could answer all the questions needed to be answered but I am not confident of scoring amazing marks for them. Oh well...it's not as if I didn't study. Actually, given another 10 years to study the same Trusts Law syllabus, I wouldn't have done any better or any worst. It was the way the questions were phrased. Not my fault. I did my best.

Tomorrow marks the end of my 2 month ordeal. I'm in the midst of revising and memorising cases. Sigh. Not easy at all. But since I have 3 loads off my back, this final one seems so much lighter.

I took a day off on Saturday from all the mugging and case memorising. I was so tired after the Trusts paper. I wanted to sleep right after I came back at 12pm but I couldn't. I guess my brain was still very much active. So, I went online and played this :)

I realised that I have shrunk in 2 weeks. My weight has dropped tremendously and my jeans seems so loose. I used to have difficulty in buttoning my jacket but now it seems so easy! Geez. All the stress is really getting into me. Vinz has been persuading me to eat more. But I can't. I either don't have the time to eat a proper meal or even when I do, I don't have the appetite to. For the past 2 weeks, my diet consists of sandwiches for lunch and cereal for dinner. In between I have a bar of Kitkat or a bannana. Really unhealthy. Sometimes I don't eat at all the whole day till its time for me to sleep and then I realise that I am actually very hungry. Oh well. Just one more day of crap food.

I didn't know that if your weight goes south, your boobs shrink too :P

I thought with all the stress, my face will be filled with ugly red spots. To my surprise, it is clear! Well...it is clear to my standards because I never had crystal clear and smooth skin. I must give credit to USANA Health Sciences' Sense range of skincare . Excellent product! It doesn't work like magic but I used it consistently for almost 2 months and I've already felt its effect. No more Neutrogena or Clinique for me. Sense is the way to go! :)

Wish me all the very best luck for my final lap tomorrow. It will be my last LAW exam. But I hope it will not be my last exam in my lifetime. I am looking forward to the 6 CSR papers I have to sit for if I get my 2nd upper!

Can't wait for the new chapter in my life to begin!!!

And the Dam Broke...Again

2005-05-20T11:30:00.000Z

This must have been the 10th time I cried my eyes out because of the exams. There must be something wrong with my stress management. I should go for some classes on how to reduce and handle stress.

Vinz came over last night with the purpose of tucking me into bed. But when he stepped foot into my room, my tears dropped furiously. He was heartbroken too, to see me suffering. So, he decided to stay (although he left his light on at home).

I hugged him tightly and told him to go after I fall asleep. But he said...

"No, I can't leave you now. I'm staying."

I had a good night's sleep. We held hands. The best part of this morning was to wake up with him by my side and hear him whisper...

"I love you, baby..."

Wish me luck for my paper in 2 hours.

Wish my luck for my paper at 9am tomorrow morning.

I am anticipating more tears and no sleep tonight.

"To Learn to Strive and Not To Yield"

2005-05-19T18:16:00.000Z

There are times when I just feel like giving up.

And the time is now.

Yet, I cannot give up. I have to go on with my journey. It is ending in just under a week. I have to live up to the OBS motto - "To Learn to Strive and Not To Yield".

Yes, I must not yield. I must face the challenges ahead of me with stride and confidence.

The end is near. It is very near. Just a few more steps and I will have finished the race. Whether I come in first or last, it does not matter. What matter's most is I finished it with my blood and my sweat, with my sleepless nights and agonising mornings.

God, help me. Listen to Your child's plea. Take me into Your loving arms. Comfort me with Your love. Assure me that You will be with me every step of the way. Bestow upon me all the goodness I deserve. Give me the strength, the wisdom and the concentration. Guide me. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen

Craving For Economy Rice dan lain-lain lagi...

2005-05-18T14:05:00.000Z

One down, 3 to go.

It was alright yesterday. The fact that I did similar questions at least 3 times helped a big deal. I was not so jittery and I wrote my answers systematically. For the first time in 3 years, I underlined my cases and made sub-headings. The only thing I'm unsure of are my answers. I may have done the questions before, but I don't have the answers. One bad thing about Law School here is they do not give model answers for the past exam papers. I guess, I can't blame them. Each law answer is unique. There are no 2 answers which are the same unlike Maths or other Math based subjects. Different students will use different cases to argue. Different cases have different points. Oh well. All I can do is just sit back and pray.

Meanwhile, I am stressing over my 2nd and 3rd paper. At this very moment, I am revising for my 3rd which is on Saturday morning at 9am. My 2nd paper finishes at 3.30pm on Friday. So, good luck to me.

It was so good to see Vinz again last night. Geez. We were only a part for one day and yet we missed each other so much. Don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think we are getting to attached to each other. Will be seeing him again tonight. Although I sleep on a single bed here, it feels so large without him around.

I suddenly have a craving for Economy Rice. Heheh. I miss the Economy Rice stall we have in JB. So yummy! When I'm home, I must have it at least twice a week for dinner. I will pile up my mini box of rice with kangkung belacan, pak choi, long beans with belacan and tofu. (Me not a meat fan) Yummylicious!!! Can't wait to go home and patronise that stall!

I'm so sick of eating sandwiches day in and day out. I'm so sick of eating bananas and grapes. I'm so fed up of eating eggs and sausage for breakfast. I can't stand the smell of toast anymore.

I want Chicken Rice - Without the chicken :P

I want Bak Kut Teh - Just the soup!

I want Mee Hoon Kueh - Without the pork balls

I want Beef Noodles, Wat Tan Hor, Wantan Mee, Chee Cheong Fun, Nasi Lemak, Assam Laksa, Laksa Johor, Mee Rebus, Hokkien Mee, Prawn Mee and all the other yummy Malaysian fare!

My "To Do" List

2005-05-17T12:35:00.000Z

One more hour till I walk into the Trent Building for my first exam out of the 4 I have to sit for till the 24th.

I was just thinking...Wow...I have so many things to do from 12pm, Tuesday, 24th May 2005.

I want to list them down here. Need to de-stress a little bit.

* Post my National Insurance form
* Post my confidential stuff
* Post "Sepet" to Eileen in Wales
* Get my ass to Jubilee Campus to ask them about the 300pound deposit I have to pay
* Get my accomodation for next academic year sorted out - Melton Hall is my 1st choice
* Read up about ROME! Off to Rome on 11th June - 14th June!
* Call Malaysia Hall to book rooms for me, Mum and Papa
* Clean Vinz's house
* Cook dinner for Vinz
* Make packed lunch for Vinz
* Get more self raising flour and other baking stuff to bake as many cakes and cookies I can
* Relax
* Sleep
* Read up on Managerial Economics
* Not get jittery on the 8th of June at 4pm
* If don't get my 2:1, don't get upset or worried. Run straight to Jubilee to sort things out
* Get my National Express ticket to Heathrow
* Most important - Book my Graduation gown
* Wait for Mum and Papa to come
* Spend money in London - shop like crazy with Mummy on Papa's card!
* If I get my 2:1 still run to Jubilee to hand them my official transcript
* Go home to Malaysia
* Get my student visa done (if I get to come back)
* Go on a holiday with my family
* Wait for Vinz to come back - We intend to take a makan trip to Penang
* Visit KTJ and all my friends in KL
* Get my hair curled permanently for the second time
* If I don't get to come back - Actively seek employment

A long list eh. Can't wait to tick them off!!

The Love in My Life...

2005-05-16T12:30:00.000Z

It is always comforting to know that my boyfriend is just a phone call away. The past month has been hellish for me. I've been struggling to fit every single case I need to know into the tiny brain of mine. I get cranky. I cry for no reason. I am moody and I blame him for practically almost anything and everything. Yet, he is still by my side no matter how crazy I get. He's been staying over every night for the past few weeks (except on Mondays, for some strange reason both of us can never fathom). It is always comforting to have his warm arms around my when I'm asleep. Sometimes, when I get awaken by a bad dream in the middle of the night, I can hear him saying...

"Baby...don't be scared. I'm here. I love you...."

Tomorrow is the day of my first paper. I'm glad that the day is finally approaching so that I can release a whole load of cases and theories from my head after 3.30pm tomorrow. But then again...I'm afraid that I am not prepared enough. Ok...I know my cases at the tip of my fingers. I know how to apply them. I tried all the past year questions I can find on the intranet and I have answered them in full lengths. Yet, I am still not confident enough to handle the real thing. Is there something wrong with me?

Tears flowed down my cheeks yesterday evening when he said that he won't be coming over. I wasn't upset that I won't be sharing a bed with him but I just felt so overwhelmed by my work that I needed another human being to share that burden with me. The moment he heard me sobbing on the phone, he said he'll come over to "sayang" me after his dinner and after he finishes all the things he needed to do at home. He was true to his word. He came over and he gave me big encouragement hugs and it really did take my load away for the whole night.

He won't be coming over tonight. I specifically told him so. I can't bear the thought of seeing him leave my room at 7.45 am tomorrow morning and having to handle the stress of my exams at 1.30pm the same day. I can only handle on thing at a time.

Sometimes I compare when I shouldn't. But I'm really glad that I do compare because comparing makes me feel so fortunate that I found him and left the old flame behind. I know that each individual and each relationship has its good and bad but when I sit and stare into the void, I can only see dark sides and bleak moments in the old one and only bright lights and happy fireworks in this one. There is not a day which I don't thank God for bringing me such a wonderful and loving man Vincent is. He has made my tentative final year in Nottingham so much more bearable.

This morning before he left for work and as he hugged me tightly, he whispered into my ear...

"Baby...I love you so much. I will never leave you..."

It may sound a little bit overwhelming to some but to me...it is what I want to hear because I feel exactly the same way as he does.

It may not be the right time to talk about "forever" but how can a girl not fly straight up into the clouds when she hears that word coming out from her beloved's lips...?

On the bus the other day, we saw a very old man sitting near us. I told Vinz...

"Eh..tengok itu lao lang. Next time when you're old, you'll be exactly like him lah.."

"No lah. When I'm that old, I won't be sitting on the bus anymore. I will be chauffered driven in a luxury car with you in the back seat with me..."

We held hands. It was so tight; almost like a reassurance that we will work towards making that dream come true...

:)

Otak 'ku Sudah Tepu!

2005-05-12T15:20:00.000Z

I'm running my last mile now. No, I'm not dying. I'm running the last mile of my undergraduate years. For 3 years I've been running this lenghty marathon. For 3 years I've struggled with 18 papers to sit for, 42 essays to write in 37 hours, 5 courseworks, 92 hours of tutorial, 14 subjects and probably more than 2000 hours studying for tutorials and exams. Sigh. I've come a long way now...a very very long way...

Just a little bit more, just 12 days more and my ordeal will be over. My 2000 or more hours of studying will pay off (or at least I hope it will).

Wish me luck people. I need loads and loads of it.

Sister Enda, the founder SMK Assunta and the longest serving principal has this to say...
"Just do your best and God will do the rest."

Yes, I'm in the midst of doing my best. And I know God will do the rest. I have faith in Him.

But...I don't have faith in myself. Sigh.

Help me.

I'm stressed beyond my wits. Period cramps don't help during these trying times either.

Can I take a break for dinner with the boyfriend tonight? But if I do, I'll feel so guilty for not mulling over my books...

Help.

Otak 'ku sudah tepu!

"A Lai Wah!"

2005-05-11T22:56:00.000Z

If you are a Graduate Trainee in a company and you are under a supervisor who serves as your guide, your teacher and your mentor at the same time but he picks on you everytime you do something, whether it is right or wrong. Your situation is something like Kenny Sia's description of a woman's behaviour when she is PMS'ing...

"I stand up also kena. I sit down also kena. I hang around doing nothing scratching my legs like that... ALSO KENA!"

What do you do?

Do you stand up and fight for your rights or do you just let him kenakan you all the way without justifying the reasons why you sat down, stoood up or scratched your legs?

This supervisor of yours also criticises your self-appraisal (something most employees in semi-big and large companies have to do in order to gain a promotion. read: paperwork, red tape). He reads it once and says that you should give examples on how you enhanced your relationship with your clients, presented a good image about the company and interacted with your team mates. You ask him...

"Do you mean I have to write down ALL the projects that I have done in the past 6 months?"

"Yes, of course!"

After that he steps on you even further by saying...

"I've been a Graduate Trainee before. Don't think I don't know that you copied your appraisal from a management book at Waterstones during the weekend."

You spent many hours thinking of the work you have done in the past and writing them out. You never ever thought of even going to Waterstones to jenguk sedikit, what more waste a whole weekend copying down management jargons?

You don't want to pick a fight with him so you dutifully do what he says.

On the day of the interview with the company Director, that idiot screws you up.

You know you did your best. Other colleagues are less hard working than you are. You are always willing to learn and try your best to contribute during department meetings. Yet, you are stepped on by this man who thinks he is a know all.

What do you do now?

Quit?

Scream?

Change department?

Complain?

Or just say - "A lai wah!" (Thai for What the Fuck!)

"One Cheeseburger without the burger!"

2005-05-10T19:48:00.000Z

My boyfriend fried burgers at McD's for 2 months after he finished his MSc here in Nottingham. I love to bug him to tell me about his experience working there. My all time favourite story is when a customer wanted "Cheeseburger without the burger".

"WHAT???"

"One Cheeseburger without the burger!"

"How do I do that?"

"Just put onions, pickles, cheese and ketchup in between 2 buns and give it to him!"

And so he did.

He received many weird orders but this was the weirdest of them all! While toasting the buns, he was cursing under his breath because it disrupted the whole order of things in the kitchen. The big flat pan to fry the burgers should be maximised and no wastage should occur. Now, he had one extra burger without any bun to be put into. It just didn't look right on that flat fryer.

The next time you go to McD's and you're waiting for your burgers, just be patient. This means that the burgers fell on the floor while they were in the process of serving them up to you and the kitchen staff are preparing new ones for you. If you are impatient and hurry them...this is what you'll get...

"Shit!! Burger fell on the floor!!!"

"Hurry! Hurry! Pick it up and wrap it before the manager sees it! If he sees us wasting time and burgers, he'll kill us!!"

Picks burger up. Slaps it on the bun. Squeezes ketchup. Throws onions and pickles. Puts top bun over. Wraps and slides it down the burger tray.

So, McD's ain't that clean afterall :P

McD's pride themselves on the time they take to fry their burgers and bring out piping hot fries in minutes. Everytime a customer has some weird requests, the kitchen staff have no choice but to comply but they curse and curse because it wastes their precious time and just disturbs the whole system.

The next time you want to order unsalted fries...think of the amount of work the poor "fries boy" has to do just to satisfy your whim and fancy.

He has to fry a new batch of fries and after that is done, he cannot mix it with the other batch because it already has salt on them. Instead, he has to put in on a cleaner side where no salt was sprinkled. If there is no such side, then he has to shift the salted fries somewhere else and clean the whole fry tray just for your "small fries without salt".

Of course, the customer is always right. In the service and food industry, the customer is the king. But...even a king should have some consideration for its servants right?

If you want unsalted fries, go fry them yourself at home.

If you want Cheeseburger without the burger, go make yourself a cheese-on-toast in your own kitchen.

Take pity on the staff at McD's. They are human too.

Lightning Struck and Took Him Away...

2005-05-09T18:12:00.000Z

I'm sure everyone must have read about the news of 2 golfers in Johor Bahru struck by lightning almost 2 weeks ago. One of them (the younger one) was a family friend of ours. When I first read about the news on thestar online while using Hallward Library's computer, I was shocked and was in total disbelief. I ran back to my room as fast as I could to call my Mum. She confirmed the news in between sobs and tears. She lost one of her first friends in JB. Very sad.

Last Saturday, I called home. I asked how Uncle KK's (the deceased) family is doing. They are alright. Luckily his children are all grown up. The youngest son is in the 1st year of university in Australia, the middle son is working as an Actuarist in KL and the eldest daughter is a lawyer in JB. Financial wise, they are good. But, they are still in mourning for the passing of their loved one. One afternoon, he told his wife that he'll be going for a game of golf at the RJCC. In the evening, he didn't call home. Instead, it was the Club's authorities who called and said that her husband was struck dead by lightning. Sad.

He left no last words. He bade no last good bye. He just left this world as fast as the lightning came and went.

I guess when it is your time to go, you have to go. It doesn't matter what shape, what form, what way, what time, what day, where and how you go. Uncle KK was only 55 years old. He planned a cruise with his wife this year. But before he could enjoy that well deserved holiday, he cruised a long alone...

Rest in peace Uncle KK. I may not know you very well but my parents did. You were one of their first friends they made in JB. Without you helping them to settle down, they would have had a hard time.

Mummy...The Jill of All Trades, The Mistress of All

2005-05-08T11:24:00.000Z

Here's a little something about my mum, my bestest friend, my confidant...

When I was younger, mum used to cane me all the time for reasons such as breaking her favourite vase, biting my finger nails, talking back at her, not doing my homework, arguing with my sister and not swallowing my food when it has been in my mouth for the past 10 minutes or so. As I grew up, whenever I misbehaved she "canned" me with her silent treatment. Weighing up the both of them, I prefered and still prefer being physically canned than having a cold war with mum. Mum had her way of making me feel guilty and sorry for all the bad things I did. All her methods were and still are very effective because I don't think I ever made the same mistake twice. And I love mum for that, for making me the person I am today. I may not be the best daughter or the most successful person but I know for sure that in my mother's eyes, I am her precious one (as my Chinese name suggests too). She molded me to what I am today. She crafted my every single thought. She instilled in me morality, manners and feminity.

Mum gave me independence bit by bit. I resented her for that but I appreciate it now. If she had "unleashed" me, I would have gone so wild that my hair will not be brownish but pink, my dressing will not be modest but provocative and my language even more vulgar than it is now. And most of all, I wouldn't have learnt to cherish the freedom and independence I have now. Thank you mum. You truly know what is best!All throughout my childhood days, I never liked to drink plain water. Mum had to force it on me. She screamed, shouted, canned and even threatened to throw me in the dustbin if I don't finish that cup of water she poured. Then one day, she devised a plan, a very clever plan to make me finish every drop in that yellow cup of mine. "Yam Seng" was her plan. Smart mum! Whenever she poured a cup of water for me, she poured one for herself and she will say "Bottoms up!! Yam Seng!!" And childish me, fell for it. Since then, drinking at least 10 glasses of water everyday has been a habit. Thank you again, Mum!

Mum is the cook. She is also the tailor. She is the piano teacher although she never had any musical education. Whenever me or my sister fell sick, she is the doctor and the nurse. She is the storybook lady, the teacher for every subject and the motivator. Mum lends her shoulder to cry on. Mum shares her secrets with me and I share mine with her. Mum and I watch TV together and munch on our favourite tid bits and then complain about the fat we will put on. Mum tickles me all the time and we are never too shy to hug each other in public. She may be the discipline mistress but she is also the counsellor and the peace maker. She sides my sister and I whenever dad gets mad at us. Mum, you are the Jill of all trades and you are the Mistress of all. You have never failed to be a caring and understanding mother. Mum, I love you for all that you've done for us, for the family and I love you for being you, Mum!! :)

It is all about the Money

2005-05-06T21:24:00.000Z

Most Malaysians look up to London graduates. By London, I mean graduates who come from the University of London's many subsidiary universities like Imperial College, London School of Economics, University College London, King's College, Queen Mary and etc. These schools set very high entry requirements to most, if not all their courses. Their fees are usually about 10-15% higher than universities outside London (other than Oxford and Cambridge of course). Studying in the capital city of England is not a cheap exercise. Cost of living there costs a bomb. Just to give an example, to rent a studio apartment in the city in the Holborn area costs £350 per week. In Nottingham, a really really nice one right in the heart of the city costs £350 a month! So, now you see the difference...

Anyway...back to what I want to blog about. Being in one of the London universities connotes a certain prestigious feel to it. When your employer sees your certificate with the LSE sign, they will employ you straightaway.

Unfortunately, my perception of London universities has dwindled since a couple of days ago. A friend scored a 2nd lower for his undergraduate degree in Nottingham actually was able to pursue his MSc in Engineering in Imperial College when his offer was conditional upon him getting a 2nd class upper. I don't know how he did it or how he begged his way through, but he managed anyway. When I heard that, my jaw dropped. Imperial College, must be one of the world's most famous university for Engineering actually accepted a 2nd lower student? Sigh. What happend to them boasting about their high entry requirement and etc? What happend to their constant talk about "our students reflect the quality of our school"?

To me, its all down to the money. Its all about the money. As long as you are willing to pay (international students pay double fees), any university is willing to accept you. Of course your results must not be staggeringly low. Average will do. 2nd upper is no longer coveted. It is only on paper. What they want is your cash.

I'm not generalising. I'm just appalled by such low standards a high quality university boasts to have. I'm not sure about Oxbridge but so far I have not heard any 2nd lower student getting a place there (unless he is the Prince of Wales or the King of Arabia I guess).

Nottingham University is not flawless. I'm sure that money can buy a place in any course that you want to pursue here subject to at least an average result. I know of someone who failed his A-level Math and studied Engineering in Nottingham after only one day of persuading the admissions officer. Integrity? Quality? Bullshit. I say, it is the Money.

I hope I don't offend any LSE, Imperial College, UCL, KCL or QMUL students and potential students. I'm sure there are many of you who obtained places based on your merit. But please make this as a reminder that coming from such big-name universities just puts you on a pedestal high above the rest but...the quality that comes with the price tag may actually be compromised because the eyes of such universities are plastered with the £ sign.

Fathers that You Want and Fathers that You Don't

2005-05-05T14:37:00.000Z

Some people lose their father in tragic accidents or some incurable disease. Some of them lose their fathers at a very young age and never had a father to look up to. Some see other people's fathers waiting for them in front of the school gate every evening but they have to walk home alone by themselves; their hearts green with envy. Some have to live with less because the sole breadwinner of the family has gone to be with the Lord and their surviving mother earns a meagre wage barely enough to support their family. Some just wish they appreciated their father and cherished him while he was still alive.

Some fathers are doting, caring and loving. Some fathers on the other hand are strict discplinarians.

But some wish they did not have one at all.

These are the fathers who are irresponsible; who are gamblers, alcoholics and womenisers.

These are the kind of fathers some do not want to even acknowledge.

It is sad to know that different sorts of families in this world. Some have happy stories to tell and some have sad ones. Some are filled with happiness and laughter while some are broken and shattered.

When I heard this phrase yesterday, my eyes nearly filled up with tears...

"My family is not as happy as yours..."

Society - The Pain in the Ass

2005-05-03T13:04:00.000Z

The Chinese has a saying "The door must fit the door frame" (men dang hu dui) which means that when a person chooses a life partner, he or she has to choose someone who is fitting of his or her social class and status. To give a very extreme example, if you are a PhD holder in Atomic Science and your spouse is a rubbish collector, it certainly is not a case of "men dang hu dui".

I agree with this saying only to a certain extent. Yes, how can a rubbish collector talk the same topics as a Phd holder in Atomic Science? As husband and wife, I am sure there will be occasions where both will be invited to certain functions and parties and there will be chances to socialise with other people in that group. I think it will be a very difficult for the rubbish collector to speak atomic science language to a bunch of spectacle wearing and bow tie donning people.

But then again, they say love transcends all boundaries; all ages, all religions, all races and all social status'. Maybe there are people who have such extreme occupations and yet are able to live happily ever after. Maybe there aren't. I don't know.

Will I stick to this saying?

Its a tough question. I will to a certain extent, I guess. I want my future husband to be on par with my intellectually or even better. I want him to be guiding light and hand. I want him to make the decisions and be a good example to our children. Nonetheless, I am not saying that a rubbish collector or someone less qualified than I am cannot fit into this criteria. I know that collecting rubbish is an honest job and someone has to do it. But will he feel inferior? Will my parents object?

Most importantly, what would society say? Will they point fingers and mock at us?

Society - the pain in the ass.

If I fall in love, truly fall in love with a billionaire's son, society will stare and point fingers at me...

"Aiya..this girl. Marry him because of money lah.."

I can't deny that I am guilty of such finger pointing too. I'm guessing, it is a case of sour grapes.

Recently, I heard of a friend who is dating a gorgeous girl who is also witty and intelligent. In fact, she is one of Malaysia's most beautiful woman. This friend of mine (other than his good boyish looks) has a gold mine waiting for him back home. He probably doesn't have to work for the rest of his life because of the vast fortune his family has. The first thing that came out of my mouth when I heard of the gossip...

"Shit. She must either be too easy or he is just damn good. Must be for the money lah.."

Shoot me. I am a pain in everyone's ass.

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child

2005-04-27T11:30:00.000Z

My mum called me a while ago and started telling me stories of her friend's daughter. She is 16 this year and I remember playing with her when I was younger. I remember her to be a very sweet and petite girl who loves to play with boys' toys. She never liked Barbie Dolls or Polly Pockets. We played together till my family moved to another housing estate when I was 12. She was sent to a Chinese medium school for the first 2 years of her primary education. Her parents don't speak the language at home but insists that she attended such a school to give her the additional advantage in the language. However, she couldn't cope with her studies especially the Mandarin subject. She hated school, feigned all sorts of illnesses and excuses so that she didn't have to turn up in the school that she detested.

Her mother confided in my mum and she suggested that they send her to a private school instead where the medium although in Malay is very much English based. So, they did. No improvements in her academics happend. Instead, she became even wilder. At the age of 10 she had her first boyfriend, holding hands with him while walking around shopping malls in JB. Her mother again asked my mum for advice. This time, my mum kept quiet. She refused to give any comments just in case she is blamed for giving bad ones.

The girl gave her mother major headaches. She played truant and was one of those 'La-La' who hanged out in shopping malls during school hours. She changed many schools because her mum wanted her to stop seeing the boy from her previous private school. Finally, the mum had no choice but to send her to a boarding school in Perth. Fortunately, the boy didn't follow her and by a twist of luck (if you want to call it that), she finally began to realise her full potential. She liked drawing and art. And now, at the age of 16, she chose Art & Design courses instead of conventional Math and Science subjects. Good for her and her parents. All's well, end's well.

As my mum ratted along about this girl, I stopped her mid-way and said...

"Mum...aren't you lucky that you have a daughter like me? I may not have been perfect, but I don't remember myself being so problematic."

"Yes lah...lucky lah."

"But mum...you know ah...if you didn't cane me so hard and so much when I was young, I probably would have turn out the way she did."

When I was younger, I hated school. I never liked to study. All I liked to do was to read my Enid Blyton's and watch my Sesame Street. My mum was so worried about me that she caned me everytime I lazed around and not do my homework. She checked my school bag everyday and made sure I finish each and everything the teachers assigned me to do. I was sent for tuition classes to occupy my free time and there was a mountain of workbooks to be completed after I came back.

She never let me go out with my friends till I was in Form 2 or 3 ( I can't really remember). And because I know that if I ask her to let me go gallavanting, she will not agree, I'd rather not ask. That was how I was shaped to become who I am today. I'm not that kind of girl who likes to hang out with a group of friends in the shopping mall or just have a cup of coffee at Starbucks. I I'm not that kinda girl who is easily influenced by the myriad of tempations outside my home because everytime I think of them, I think of my mother wielding the cane.

Everytime I think of doing something bad or out of my daily routine, I think...

"Would mummy kill me? Better not take the chance. Better just stay at home and be good.."

So, moral of this long long post is...

"Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child"

I grew up with the cane and I believe in its magical powers. Some of you may disagree but the cane certainly has its advantages. Each stroke sends an ultra big reminder to me not to do anything my mother will disapprove.

Kidnapped but Saved by Love

2005-04-26T07:00:00.000Z

An unidentified man locked me in a cold and dark room. Both of us were in the same room together. He may be unidentified, but I had a gut feeling that I knew him. I asked for my beloved. He answered with a coarse voice saying that he is outside and if I want to speak to him, I must shout for him.

I did. I shouted. But my voice was as soft as a mouse's voice. He couldn't hear me. I could feel him outside, pacing up and down, waiting eagerly for me.

I shouted again with all my might and this time he heard me.

I felt a gentle nudge and a I heard a whisper in my ear...

"Baby, are you alright? I'm here. Don't be afraid. I'm here. See...I'm right next to you."

He hugged me tightly and held my hand.

I opened my eyes and looked at his face to ensure that it is him and not the vilian in my dream.

"Baby, why did you go away? I called for you but you didn't hear me."

"I was here all the while. You shouted for me in your dreams. You gave me a fright! Shhh..go back to sleep. I was holding you the hold night. And I will hold you till you wake up tomorrow morning. Shhh....go to sleep."

I've never slept in someone's arms the whole night through. I've never held hands to sleep.

I feel so loved.

One night later...

"Baby, tonight I won't let you go again. Just sleep...I will be here and I'm not going anywhere. I will never go anywhere..."

Cherrychocolatecandy is Back :)

2005-04-25T17:51:00.000Z

The Cherry is back.

Why the absence?

I can't give reasons. But all I can say is I am back and I am hopefully back for good.

What have I been up to?

Pondering and thinking about what a blog actually means to me.

Why "The Angelic Grace" ?

Its a name of a ship which was involved in some contractual dispute on the high seas of Spain or something like that.

No, I'm not implying that I'm angelic or that I am full of grace.

I have my flaws.

I am not a clear cut diamond.

I am human.

Apologies for my short "demise".

Was my absence a gimmick to attract attention?

No, trust me it wasn't. I really did contemplate to stop blogging for good.

But because of my writing addiction, I have decided to continue. This time, I won't be so revealing about my life.

My life shall not be an open book anymore.

Nonetheless, it does not mean that this blog is less colourful than the previous one.

Do continue to support the Cherry like you used to :)

Hearts Are Shaped As They Are Because...

2005-04-24T13:20:00.000Z

Now I know why a heart is drawn the way it is.

Last night, I gave him a big surprise. I walked down to his place and rang his door bell. He pressed the intercom and shouted his usual "Hallo?". I gave my normal..."Its me. Open up."

He let me in through the main door and opened the door to his apartment. There stood my love. Looking tired in his long sleeved office shirt tucked out of his black slacks. When he set his eyes on me, they lit up. Mine too. I was weary after a long day pouring over examination materials. He stretched open his arms, motioning me to lay my head on his chest. I did. We hugged each other tightly. No words were needed to express how much we missed each other 2 days.

While holding me like there's no tomorrow, we walked into the living room together. The lighting was perfect for shadows to develope on the off-white walls. I picked up a cup left on the dining table and took it to the kitchen sink to be washed up. After I was done with that simple household chore which I always willingly do for him, he hugged me from behind.

He covered my back with his big but gentle arms. His right cheek on my left. We kissed. I looked at the wall in front of us. A beautiful sight greeted my eyes. I felt a surge of warmth overcome me. It was a figure of a heart.

Now I know why hearts are shaped as they are. It is because when 2 people become one, it produces that exact same image that children draw when told to express their love for someone on paper.

I felt so blessed to see that image on the wall. It was like a sign bestowed upon us by God Himself; signifying His approval of our love.

"Baby...look at the wall! Its a perfect shape of a heart!"

"Yes, I saw it baby...I love you. And I want to love you forever."

"I love you and I want to love you forever too..."

Are Bloggers Lonely People?

2005-04-23T03:05:00.000Z

Its hard to stop doing something that I am so passionate about. I love to write. Writing brings out the best and the worst in me. It is apart of me that I cannot let go. Whether I write about my personal and private thoughts or whether I criticise systems and everything elseunder the sun, I still like to write.

What is a blog? Maybe a psychologist needs to analyse us bloggers. Why do we want to blog? Is it because of my so-called reason...because I love to write? Or is it because we just want the attention that comes with the blogging package.

Why do we crack our heads for catchy titles? Why do we want to let the whole world know about our lives like an open book; an open book with limitless readers?

No, we are not psychos who need to be on psychiatric treatment in award where short-circuit people are placed.

I think what we need is just a space on the World Wide Web. I think we are lonely people. I think we are empty inside and badly want a voice in this big, bad and ugly world. Our voices are tiny. We want to be loud but we lack the guts to. We hide behind colourful web pages and creative pseudonyms, thinking that we can write whatever we want,whenever we feel like it.

But we seldom forget, there is a price to pay for everything we do.Words once let out cannot be recanted. Thoughts once spilt cannot be replaced in the jug.

We have to exercise some caution. We have to be discreet.

Most importantly, we have to know what exactly do we want from the blogging community and this nicely decorated space on the World Wide Web.

Just pause for a moment. Take a few minutes out of the tens of thousands of minutes you have left in this world.

Ponder. Think. Reflect. Contemplate